3 Quiet Truths That Transform Parenting Autistic & PDA Children

0:00 SPEAKER_00: The main point that I want to really hit home with is that every behavior is communication.

0:06 SPEAKER_00: When people see behavior as challenging, they think of it as a problem to fix.

0:10 SPEAKER_00: And that's that's not what it is.

0:12 SPEAKER_00: We're looking at it as relationships.

0:16 SPEAKER_00: So you're building relationships first.

0:18 SPEAKER_00: Everything stems from relationships.

0:23 SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the Attuned Spectrum Podcast.

0:25 SPEAKER_00: I'm Chantal Hewitt, an ADHD mum, experienced educator, and autism support coach who understands your path because I also walk it daily.

0:35 SPEAKER_00: This is your space for real conversations that empower your autistic child, yourself, and your family to thrive.

0:42 SPEAKER_00: Here, we respect neurodiversity, cheer on advocacy, and leave judgment at the door.

0:48 SPEAKER_00: Join me inside this week's episode.

0:56 SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the Attunes Spectrum Podcast.

0:58 SPEAKER_00: I'm Chantel, and if you're here, then chances are that you are navigating something that feels beautiful and also very challenging, if not some days impossible at the same time.

1:11 SPEAKER_00: And I'm talking about raising an autistic child.

1:14 SPEAKER_00: I created this podcast for almost a um the 2 a.m.

1:20 SPEAKER_00: searches on Google of is my child autistic?

1:23 SPEAKER_00: What are these signs that I'm seeing?

1:25 SPEAKER_00: The co-occurring or comorbidity of autism at ADHD.

1:31 SPEAKER_00: I wanted to create this space for parents who had gone through what I was, despite my credentials and 10 plus years of experience working in learning support and in early childhood development.

1:45 SPEAKER_00: So despite that professional training, I was actually lost understanding my own PDA son and even recognizing that he was autistic, or myself, or my husband, until we deepened our connection and our relationship to our child.

2:02 SPEAKER_00: And that is where everything changed.

2:05 SPEAKER_00: And once I realized that, and what I would think is even got quite good at understanding him and his strategies, I saw these huge shifts.

2:16 SPEAKER_00: And there is no way that I couldn't share it with everyone.

2:19 SPEAKER_00: So that is why the Attuned Spectrum podcast exists.

2:23 SPEAKER_00: And I do want to be clear that what I'm sharing with you today, these three truths that are more unspoken of, they are not quick fixes.

2:31 SPEAKER_00: They are ingrained in your relationship with your child.

2:36 SPEAKER_00: And that actually leads to lasting change and enhanced well-being.

2:40 SPEAKER_00: So that's what I am about.

2:42 SPEAKER_00: And that is my methodology or my philosophy in my coaching and in how I support families and autistic children navigate this space.

Truth #1: This journey changes you

2:51 SPEAKER_00: Let's just jump right in.

2:52 SPEAKER_00: This is truth number one, and that is that this journey will change you.

2:58 SPEAKER_00: So this is not something, despite what we hear, that happens to you.

3:04 SPEAKER_00: This is actually something that is happening to your child.

3:08 SPEAKER_00: And it is up to us as parents to navigate and support them through that.

3:13 SPEAKER_00: It's not to say that this journey doesn't affect you, but this journey hasn't happened to you.

3:19 SPEAKER_00: There is all around the world what I believe is a false narrative, that autism is a burden that parents end up bearing.

3:29 SPEAKER_00: And I think that comes from a huge lack of understanding about what autism is and what it looks like, and actually understanding autism and autistic children and adults from a neurodiversity-affirming framework or paradigm or lens.

3:46 SPEAKER_00: So I challenge that.

3:48 SPEAKER_00: Autism is something that happens to your child and it affects you as a parent or the family around them and the siblings.

3:56 SPEAKER_00: It doesn't actually happen to those other people.

3:59 SPEAKER_00: It's what's happening deep inside your child's nervous system.

4:03 SPEAKER_00: And it is up to us not to have a burden to care for our child, but to actually understand and support that this is their journey.

4:13 SPEAKER_00: And our part in it, while it does affect us, it is up to us to increase our connection, to establish that relationship, and to support them through their challenges and ultimately advocate for them, which I'll get into in a few other episodes later on.

4:31 SPEAKER_00: What this journey does give you, in my experience, it is this fierce protective love for your child.

4:38 SPEAKER_00: It is the ability to question everything, to become a better parent.

4:42 SPEAKER_00: My husband and I joke often that, or I joke to him, that I think I am such a better parent because we have gone on this journey of understanding our son's autism.

4:54 SPEAKER_00: And in turn, that's made us reflect and realize that we too are autistic and neurodivergent.

4:59 SPEAKER_00: And because we have questioned traditional parenting approaches, which never felt right to me in the first place, it's ended up being this awakening almost to being a family that kind of sounds cheesy, but that loves each other.

5:13 SPEAKER_00: And it's because of autism that we've realized this.

5:18 SPEAKER_00: It's not in spite of autism.

5:20 SPEAKER_00: So I do invite you to take a pause.

5:23 SPEAKER_00: And whether it's in your head or just jot down somewhere, maybe a journal, or on your phone, or voice note it, like I've realized is my secret weapon now.

5:34 SPEAKER_00: Is what has your child's autism journey and your family's journey taught you about yourself as a parent?

5:41 SPEAKER_00: And what strengths have you discovered?

5:49 SPEAKER_00: Okay, so I'm not sure how long that took you.

5:52 SPEAKER_00: There's no right or wrong.

5:53 SPEAKER_00: You may have even skipped over it.

5:54 SPEAKER_00: That's totally fine.

5:55 SPEAKER_00: Um, I'm huge on reflecting, and I think it is so important that we really go inwards as parents, check our own selves, our own nervous system, because ultimately, if we are not okay, then we cannot support our child.

6:07 SPEAKER_00: So, anyway, in a roundabout way, that was truth number one is that autism happens to your child, not to you.

Truth #2: Behavior as communication

6:14 SPEAKER_00: It affects you.

6:14 SPEAKER_00: It's their journey, you're on it with them.

6:16 SPEAKER_00: Truth number two, this is a biggie.

6:19 SPEAKER_00: Um, this is behavior is language, it's communication.

6:24 SPEAKER_00: So the main point that I want to really hit home with is that every behavior is communication.

6:31 SPEAKER_00: When people see behavior as challenging, they think of it as a problem to fix.

6:35 SPEAKER_00: And that's that's not what it is.

6:38 SPEAKER_00: It's behavior is a child's way or anybody's way of saying there is something going on, I don't know how to communicate it, and therefore my actions are communicating it.

6:47 SPEAKER_00: So the shift that I made and that a lot of families that I work with make is they used to question, how do I stop this behavior?

6:56 SPEAKER_00: This is really challenging.

6:57 SPEAKER_00: I can't handle it.

6:58 SPEAKER_00: I need to put a stop to it right now.

7:00 SPEAKER_00: Even the aggression, which I do understand, that's really hard.

7:03 SPEAKER_00: It's hard for everyone.

7:04 SPEAKER_00: It is also hard for your child.

7:06 SPEAKER_00: So instead of asking that question of how do I stop this, the new question to ask is, what are they telling me?

7:14 SPEAKER_00: What is my child throwing really heavy objects across the room?

7:18 SPEAKER_00: What is that telling me that I am not able to understand or that I'm not listening to, or that I'm not hearing?

7:25 SPEAKER_00: And this does not mean you need to be a perfect parent.

7:27 SPEAKER_00: So I do want to just throw that out there at the beginning.

7:30 SPEAKER_00: I have been in these places and I still go back to these places.

7:34 SPEAKER_00: And I think that's really important to acknowledge is that we are not perfect.

7:37 SPEAKER_00: It is the awareness of being a connected parent that makes all the difference.

7:42 SPEAKER_00: So with meltdowns, they're saying, I am overwhelmed.

7:45 SPEAKER_00: Can you help me regulate?

7:47 SPEAKER_00: I trust you to help me regulate.

7:51 SPEAKER_00: It's just communication that they're really struggling with in that moment.

7:55 SPEAKER_00: When their nervous system becomes so bombarded with sensory overwhelm or overstimulation or emotional regulation that just completely goes out the window, they need you.

8:09 SPEAKER_00: In those challenging moments where they cannot regulate their own nervous system, they are telling you something really important.

8:17 SPEAKER_00: And it's really hard to figure out what it is, but you can do it.

8:21 SPEAKER_00: I'll get into a little bit more of the actual tips and tricks that I have within our community of how you can look at your child's sensory profile and understand what they need in those moments.

8:32 SPEAKER_00: Not a quick fix.

8:33 SPEAKER_00: There's a lot of trial and error and a lot of observation, but you can get there.

8:38 SPEAKER_00: And we do celebrate those wins and those little moments of success for your child, for yourself, and for your family.

8:44 SPEAKER_00: I just wanted to share with you, um, just give a bit of context, a behavior that I found so challenging and continue to find challenging in my son.

8:53 SPEAKER_00: Our biggest shift, though, was that we realized that our son was struggling and his nervous system was the one that was in a fight, flight, freeze, or phone response.

9:02 SPEAKER_00: And he ultimately was carrying the biggest struggles.

9:06 SPEAKER_00: And once we switched to seeing those struggles as communication, as sensory overwhelm, as a nervous system shutdown response, as anxiety and as panic, we were then able to see in a new way how to support him.

9:21 SPEAKER_00: So he often had and still sometimes does, three to four hours of meltdowns throughout the day.

9:26 SPEAKER_00: It was a nervous system response to a loss of autonomy.

9:31 SPEAKER_00: My son is PDA autistic, so he has a strong need for control over situations.

9:37 SPEAKER_00: And it's a profile that I will actually link an article to below in the show notes.

9:44 SPEAKER_00: It's really complex and a lot of professionals don't even acknowledge it.

9:48 SPEAKER_00: So if you, this is kind of a side note, if you are thinking that your child has a lot of autistic traits, but something just isn't quite right, or they don't quite fit the autistic profile that you know or that you are aware of, then definitely click below and have a look at PDA.

10:06 SPEAKER_00: So anyway, back to my son.

10:08 SPEAKER_00: Long story short, he had these massive meltdowns.

10:11 SPEAKER_00: And the second that we realized that he was PDA and we switched our approach from more behavioral, traditional, you know, parenting of this is what he must follow, this is what we believe as a family.

10:24 SPEAKER_00: We have dinner at five o'clock, we do this.

10:27 SPEAKER_00: It just wasn't working for him because he had no control.

10:29 SPEAKER_00: So once we made the switch to lower demands, way more control and autonomy over his day, he started to mask way less at home.

10:39 SPEAKER_00: He actually became very apparent in his autistic traits that I think he was masking from us for quite some time.

10:45 SPEAKER_00: And he started thriving.

10:46 SPEAKER_00: So there's a combination of things.

10:48 SPEAKER_00: We use some medication, we still do, but our support has shifted from managing his behavior and looking at his behavior as challenging to what is his nervous system trying to tell us?

11:00 SPEAKER_00: What are these really challenging moments for him?

11:03 SPEAKER_00: So his intense meltdowns that while they were panic, they were also very aggressive.

11:07 SPEAKER_00: They were also very confronting for us as parents.

11:10 SPEAKER_00: They challenged everything that we thought we knew.

11:14 SPEAKER_00: And yeah, he came out of it.

11:16 SPEAKER_00: And that was burnout, which I'm not touching on right now.

11:20 SPEAKER_00: I'll touch on in a few episodes.

11:22 SPEAKER_00: So please jump over to episode four if you're really interested in knowing if your autistic child is in burnout, which is very common.

11:30 SPEAKER_00: Okay, so that is my tip number two.

11:35 SPEAKER_00: And I now want to ask you to again take a pause.

11:44 SPEAKER_00: Think of one challenging behavior in your child, and then think about what they might be communicating.

11:51 SPEAKER_00: What is the unmet need that they are expressing that they need support with.

12:01 SPEAKER_00: Okay, did you think of anything?

12:04 SPEAKER_00: I also would love to know.

12:05 SPEAKER_00: If you did think of something, pop it down into the comments if you're watching the video, and I would love to interact with that.

12:11 SPEAKER_00: I would love to unpack that with you a little bit and the community as well.

12:16 SPEAKER_00: So thanks for sharing.

12:17 SPEAKER_00: If you have shared or are going to share.

12:19 SPEAKER_00: So the outcome of really looking at challenging behavior as communication is that when autistic children feel heard, or all children really, but in the context of autistic children, when they feel heard in their meltdowns, in their intense behaviors, those challenging moments that you perceive for your child, they actually begin to decrease naturally.

12:40 SPEAKER_00: And that is because their needs are being met and they are being heard.

12:44 SPEAKER_00: Their communication is being responded to.

12:47 SPEAKER_00: So we're looking at it not from a discipline approach or control approach or a power approach from a parent.

12:54 SPEAKER_00: We're looking at it as relationships.

12:56 SPEAKER_00: So you're building relationships first.

12:59 SPEAKER_00: Everything stems from relationships.

13:01 SPEAKER_00: The challenging behaviors will decrease, the understanding will increase.

13:06 SPEAKER_00: Okay, truth number three, just jumping right on through this.

Truth #3: You don't need all the answers

13:10 SPEAKER_00: This is hopefully something that will allow you to exhale and give yourself some grace.

13:17 SPEAKER_00: You, amazing parent, yes, I'm talking to you.

13:20 SPEAKER_00: You don't need all the answers in this moment right now.

13:24 SPEAKER_00: If you are here listening, if you've made it this far, I know that that means that you're aware of how your parenting impacts your child, how your relationship impacts your child.

13:35 SPEAKER_00: So your love, your commitment, your awareness, and your presence in your learning, your willingness to learn, that is enough.

13:44 SPEAKER_00: You don't need to have your five-year plan.

13:46 SPEAKER_00: What your child needs from you, no matter if you're here with a two-year-old or a five-year-old or a 17-year-old, they need you.

13:56 SPEAKER_00: They need your presence, they need your commitment, they need your awareness.

14:00 SPEAKER_00: You do not have to be perfect.

14:02 SPEAKER_00: Please give yourself grace and accept that what they need is for you to show up and for you to care and that that is enough.

14:12 SPEAKER_00: I do want to acknowledge that it is very overwhelming parenting autistic children or an autistic child.

14:20 SPEAKER_00: So it is hard.

14:22 SPEAKER_00: It is challenging.

14:23 SPEAKER_00: What makes it even harder is that there's so much conflicting advice of how to support your autistic child.

14:31 SPEAKER_00: What is right, what is better, what is wrong, what is the best way.

14:35 SPEAKER_00: So this is my method, my preferred method.

14:40 SPEAKER_00: I have never been an advocate for behavioralism.

14:43 SPEAKER_00: I don't think it works.

14:44 SPEAKER_00: I don't think it actually builds connection.

14:47 SPEAKER_00: I'm not for rewards, I'm not for punishments.

14:50 SPEAKER_00: I've seen how this works.

14:51 SPEAKER_00: I've seen how it works in my teaching, in educating other teachers how to support autistic and neurodivergent children, and in supporting families.

15:00 SPEAKER_00: That's what the research says too.

15:01 SPEAKER_00: We are very embedded in traditional ways of doing things, and we need to question and know that what's in your gut, your gut response, is most likely the right one.

15:13 SPEAKER_00: So if you're yelling at your autistic child and trying to control what they do, if that doesn't feel right, there's probably a reason why it doesn't feel right.

How to connect with our community

15:22 SPEAKER_00: If you are overwhelmed by all the conflicting advice, I do invite you to be a part of our Connection First community.

15:29 SPEAKER_00: I'll link it below in the show notes.

15:31 SPEAKER_00: But you can head on over to chantelhewitt.com forward slash community.

15:35 SPEAKER_00: Our Connection First Community is your place to feel heard, feel understood, not feel alone, and actually support your child through relationship-based strategies and connection first approaches that make all the difference and they actually transform your family, which is what we are all about here.

15:56 SPEAKER_00: Okay, so I just want to do a little recap.

15:59 SPEAKER_00: What autistic children actually need is that they need attuned parents, not perfect parents.

16:05 SPEAKER_00: They need parents who are willing to listen, adjust, respond authentically, and they need parents who see them as having differences, but that they're not deficient and they're not broken and they don't need to be fixed.

16:20 SPEAKER_00: And know that your presence is needed over perfection.

16:24 SPEAKER_00: Okay, we will do one final little pause or journaling moment.

16:28 SPEAKER_00: Have a think.

16:29 SPEAKER_00: What pressure are you putting on yourself?

16:32 SPEAKER_00: And what if you trusted that your love and willingness to respond to and understand your child is exactly what they need.

16:44 SPEAKER_00: Okay, welcome back.

16:46 SPEAKER_00: Now that you've maybe done that, again, would love to hear, comment below what you came up with.

16:51 SPEAKER_00: These final truths, again, of parenting an autistic child.

16:55 SPEAKER_00: They're the foundation of everything that we'll explore on this podcast.

16:59 SPEAKER_00: It's the foundation of our Connection First Community, and it is the foundation of my coaching philosophy.

17:05 SPEAKER_00: Autism is not a burden that you need to bear.

17:08 SPEAKER_00: And having that mindset flip or switch will make all the difference.

17:12 SPEAKER_00: You are along for this journey, but this is your child's autistic self that needs support, and you are their person to support them.

17:21 SPEAKER_00: Number two is that challenging behavior is communication.

17:26 SPEAKER_00: All behavior is communication.

17:28 SPEAKER_00: And once we understand that, that it's actually influenced by sensory needs, sensory overwhelm, nervous system responses, even PDA, pathological demand avoidance, or persistent drive for autonomy, which PDAers in the community like to call it, and those who support them.

17:43 SPEAKER_00: Once we realize what the challenging behavior is telling us, so what's behind that challenging behavior, then we can work to understand, work to support communication, and really limit what your child is struggling with and how that affects your family as well.

18:01 SPEAKER_00: So all of that will start to increase and shift.

18:04 SPEAKER_00: And final truth, big moment, big reflection.

18:07 SPEAKER_00: Give yourself a break, give yourself some grace.

Recap and final Thoughts

18:10 SPEAKER_00: You are doing the best that you can.

18:12 SPEAKER_00: And you don't need to have all the answers right now.

18:16 SPEAKER_00: You just need presence, commitment.

18:18 SPEAKER_00: I know I've listed a bunch of different things, but hopefully you can see that they all intertwine and take what you can from that and figure out what resonates with you.

18:28 SPEAKER_00: Okay.

18:29 SPEAKER_00: In my experience for me, it is being responsive, actually hearing my child, and building that connection first, that relationship, and everything else comes after that.

18:41 SPEAKER_00: You have to prioritize the relationship, and then everything else will follow, it'll fall into place.

18:50 SPEAKER_00: And so another thing to remember is that we're all learning in this journey.

18:55 SPEAKER_00: You're not alone.

18:56 SPEAKER_00: There are so many families on this path, and I cannot wait for them to all come together in the Connection First community, where we make really impactful shifts in our autistic child's well-being, our own well-being, and the well-being of our family.

19:12 SPEAKER_00: And a little final encouragement for you is that your child is so lucky to have you exactly as you are showing up.

19:20 SPEAKER_00: And I am so grateful that you chose to listen to episode number one of the Attuned Spectrum podcast.

19:27 SPEAKER_00: It means so, so much to me.

19:30 SPEAKER_00: And I hope that I will see you next week when we dive into connection first steps for daily transitions.

19:38 SPEAKER_00: This is a big one.

19:40 SPEAKER_00: This happens all the time throughout the day.

19:42 SPEAKER_00: And I know that it is a huge struggle for so many families and of course for the child.

19:50 SPEAKER_00: If you loved this episode and if the content made sense to you, if it resonated with you, I would absolutely love to invite you to be one of the first founding members, by the way, at a discounted rate, to the Connection First community.

20:04 SPEAKER_00: Please head on over to chantelhewitt.com forward slash community.

20:08 SPEAKER_00: I will link it below in the show notes.

20:11 SPEAKER_00: And just jump in and grab that founding member rate.

20:15 SPEAKER_00: We cannot wait to see you inside.

20:18 SPEAKER_00: This community is something I've wanted to create for so long, and I cannot wait to welcome the founding members and all the members after that.

20:28 SPEAKER_00: So please jump on in, grab your discount, and I cannot wait to see you inside.

20:39 SPEAKER_00: Wherever you are around the globe, if you like what you've heard, I would be so grateful if you would click that subscribe button and comment below to tell me one thing.

20:49 SPEAKER_00: What support do you need?

20:51 SPEAKER_00: This helps me create episodes that truly impact our shared community.

20:56 SPEAKER_00: By commenting, you not only help yourself, but you help make modern neurodiversity affirming autism support accessible to those who are searching for a better parenting approach that actually feels good.

21:09 SPEAKER_00: I'm Chantel, and I'll see you next week.