Meltdowns and Mindset: How YOUR mindset can be your PDA kids biggest regulating tool
About this episode
Your mindset is a game-changer when it comes to making lasting changes in how we parent our PDA, Autistic and neurodivergent child, teen or young adult.
In this episode, we dive into the importance of not just knowing the tools for low demand parenting, but really believing in them.
We talk about those after-school meltdowns and how they often stem from a whole day's worth of buildup rather than just one incident. It’s all about understanding the bigger picture—like sleep, fluctuating demand load, and even the week’s stressors—so we can better support our children when they need us the most.
Plus, I share some exciting news about an upcoming free webinar that’ll help you navigate this PDA parenting journey in a way that actually supports burnout in your PDAer and begins to bring easier mornings, evenings, routines, and after school transitions, into your home.
Ever feel like you’re stuck in a loop trying to figure out why your PDa, Autistic or Neurodivergent child is melting down? I know I have! And so many other parents I support do, too.
Takeaways:
- Mindset plays a huge role in sustainable parenting changes for your PDA, Autistic or neurodivergent child.
- Recognizing the full context of a meltdown can help us respond with more empathy and understanding.
- Low demand parenting isn't just a technique; it's about truly believing in the approach you're using.
- Understanding your child's unique needs and history can significantly improve your parenting strategy.
- We often forget that our own past influences how we parent today, so self-awareness is key.
- Making shifts in parenting approaches takes time, so patience is essential for lasting change.
Links referenced in this episode:
PDA Language Guide for those 4pm Meltdown:
Mentioned in this episode:
Sign up for my FREE Training
Learn how to help your PDA child out of burnout and finally find feel relief. If you're feeling stuck, you've tried everything, and are drowning in not knowing which low demand strategy to try next, make sure you sign up here: https://chantalhewitt.com/burnout
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:00:00</time>
<p>Did you know that your mindset and how it is either placed or not well placed is one of the key factors in sustainable change?</p>
<cite>Speaker B</cite>
<time>00:00:14</time>
<p>Welcome to the Attuned Spectrum Podcast.</p>
<cite>Speaker B</cite>
<time>00:00:16</time>
<p>I'm Chantal Hewitt, an ADHD mom, experienced educator and autism support coach who understands your path because I also walk it daily.</p>
<cite>Speaker B</cite>
<time>00:00:26</time>
<p>This is your space for real conversations and that empower your autistic child, yourself and your family to thrive here.</p>
<cite>Speaker B</cite>
<time>00:00:33</time>
<p>We respect neurodiversity, cheer on advocacy and leave judgment at the door.</p>
<cite>Speaker B</cite>
<time>00:00:39</time>
<p>Join me inside this week's episode.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:00:47</time>
<p>So essentially, do you believe that what you are doing, your parenting approach, the new tools that you have learned, or perhaps not new tools, but tools that you have been practicing in that low demand parenting space, it isn't just about knowing it, it is about believing it.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:01:03</time>
<p>And that is where shifting your mindset makes the difference within your child, within how you respond to their nervous system, opposed to just the behavior and reacting to that behavior that you're seeing.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:01:17</time>
<p>So far in the last few episodes we have covered how to respond in the moment for your child's meltdown and really taking a look at why.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:01:27</time>
<p>That meltdown that happens after school around 4pm Trickles over into dinner and bedtime and leaves you exhausted when you just need a minute to yourself or maybe with your partner, your husband, your wife, anyone at the end of the day.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:01:44</time>
<p>Or maybe you just need to decompress yourself.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:01:46</time>
<p>We looked at why that meltdown and then the trickle on effect from that meltdown isn't just from whatever happened around 4pm or whatever happened just at school.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:01:59</time>
<p>It is a full day picture that we need to look at your child, teen or adult.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:02:05</time>
<p>Their nervous system was most likely on high alert in threat, a threat response, a fight or flight response.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:02:14</time>
<p>They were dysregulated hours and hours and hours prior to the time that they exploded in their emotions at you at home or or on the way home from school that day or every day.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:02:27</time>
<p>I think it's easy for us as parents, as mothers, as people to try to find an explanation for why something happened.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:02:37</time>
<p>Personally, myself, I'm so detail oriented and I really need to understand what happened previously, what happened presently, and what is going to happen.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:02:48</time>
<p>I need to know those things.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:02:49</time>
<p>My neurodivergent brain needs that information to feel regulated.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:02:55</time>
<p>So myself, I know that I need this.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:02:58</time>
<p>Our neurodivergent children, a lot of the times they need this too.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:03:02</time>
<p>When we continuously try to figure out the why for the meltdown, a lot of the times we do become quite fixated on what they have just done or just been a part of or just experienced, just responded to.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:03:16</time>
<p>When in reality look at the whole day.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:03:19</time>
<p>We have to look at the whole day.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:03:21</time>
<p>Not just the whole day, but the sleep, the eating, whether the morning of the night before.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:03:26</time>
<p>Look at the week, look at the month.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:03:29</time>
<p>Are they in burnout?</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:03:30</time>
<p>Is this a sustained response in meltdown that you are seeing at this time of day?</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:03:36</time>
<p>If you haven't already, jump into the show notes or head on over to chantellehewitt.com PDA in my new revised language guide, it is specifically created to support that 4pm after school meltdown moment.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:03:53</time>
<p>Once you have a read, you will understand why your current approach hasn't been working and what you can do immediately to begin seeing positive change.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:04:03</time>
<p>Being parents, we have been committed to our neurodivergent children, our autistic pda, adhd, odd, ocd, whatever other letters of the Alphabet that they define themselves or you define for them on their behalf or that they're diagnosed.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:04:21</time>
<p>Whatever is going on for your incredible child.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:04:26</time>
<p>I know that you are not.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:04:28</time>
<p>I know that you are not a stranger to Googling or doctor Googling what is going on.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:04:35</time>
<p>And because of that, what parents struggle with, in my experience, is not a lack of understanding of what necessarily is going on, but it is how can they apply everything that they have learned?</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:04:51</time>
<p>So you are most likely sitting there overwhelmed with so much information.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:04:56</time>
<p>And as I'm saying this, I'm going to slow my voice down in the hopes that it actually lands.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:05:03</time>
<p>I'd like you to take a deep breath.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:05:05</time>
<p>You can do it quietly if you're out in public and you don't want someone looking at you for breathing.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:05:09</time>
<p>Look, that even centered me.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:05:10</time>
<p>It's crazy what that does.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:05:11</time>
<p>Side note, if you tell a PDA child or person that they should breathe or just calm down, that won't work.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:05:16</time>
<p>So we need to support them to find these ways to do things themselves.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:05:20</time>
<p>We won't get to that in this episode.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:05:22</time>
<p>I just wanted to say that for you.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:05:24</time>
<p>So I know that you know so much about pda, about your child, about demand avoidance.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:05:31</time>
<p>Unless of course you have literally just realized what PDA is and then now you are learning.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:05:35</time>
<p>But you are in that information gathering process.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:05:39</time>
<p>You know that or you've heard that low demand parenting is really helpful when you have a child who needs autonomy.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:05:47</time>
<p>I'm sure you've heard, or maybe you will soon find out about declarative language.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:05:53</time>
<p>And I guarantee that you have tried scripts, you've created sentences, you have tried things.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:05:58</time>
<p>And that is so important, right?</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:06:00</time>
<p>And I think what we forget, though, when we accumulate all of this information, while really helpful, is that the information or the person or the resource that you're getting the information from, they don't know your child, they don't know their neurotype, they don't know what intersecting neurodivergence you are supporting within them.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:06:21</time>
<p>They don't know what you've already tried, what works, what doesn't work, their sensory profile.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:06:26</time>
<p>So all of those things matter.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:06:29</time>
<p>So that is why I do just want to say that if you have been trying and trying and you're going, hey, this low demand thing, I just don't know how to do it.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:06:37</time>
<p>Clearly it's not working.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:06:39</time>
<p>I would say it's not the low demand, because low demand does.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:06:42</time>
<p>Does when catered to the PDA person and collaborating with them and actually figuring out what is going on within their nervous system and their fight or flight or freeze or fawn or masking responses, that is what makes the difference.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:06:59</time>
<p>And every PDA is so unique.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:07:02</time>
<p>So essentially having the knowledge isn't enough.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:07:05</time>
<p>We're also up against the old kind of like traditional parenting stories that I think are just always there, that we tell ourselves about how we should respond to our children, what we should expect of them, what we kind of subconsciously expect of them.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:07:21</time>
<p>Do we discipline our children?</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:07:23</time>
<p>Do we, you know, maybe we don't quote, unquote, punish, but maybe we have a new word.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:07:29</time>
<p>Maybe it is discipline, or maybe it's positive discipline, or maybe it's positive guidance.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:07:33</time>
<p>Maybe it's gentle discipline or gentle parenting.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:07:37</time>
<p>But when we think of what good parenting looks like in our own experience, in what we believe in, how we were parented as well, all those things influence how we show up as a good parent to us.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:07:52</time>
<p>So all of the information, while when you take little pieces of the information and absorb it can be so helpful.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:07:59</time>
<p>Where it becomes unhelpful is when it becomes noise, when all of that knowledge and information becomes too much.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:08:07</time>
<p>And if we don't give ourselves that processing time and that space to unpack why we have trialed an approach and it either works or doesn't, or when something comes up within us that makes us maybe not believe in the approach that we're using or not really buy into it.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:08:24</time>
<p>So going back to that mindset shift, if our mindset hasn't actually changed and really taken on this new approach to support our PDA child, then what's happening is that we are just piecing together, quote, unquote scripts, and we don't believe them and we don't know why.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:08:41</time>
<p>And then because our nervous system, that co regulation piece, like our child mirrors that, they will pick up on it and we will become overwhelmed and frustrated.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:08:52</time>
<p>It is just a matter of time.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:08:54</time>
<p>It might not happen at the beginning, but it would be like you forcing yourself to believe something without actually understanding how it applies to your child and why.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:09:03</time>
<p>So at the end of the day, like so many things that actually, actually do take time.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:09:08</time>
<p>Changing an ingrained parenting approach and not just like if you've been a parent for 10 years or five years, or 15 years, 20 years, 30 years, you aren't necessarily just changing that timeline of parenting.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:09:19</time>
<p>You are also changing what you don't see or what you don't think of.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:09:23</time>
<p>So that's pre being a parent.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:09:25</time>
<p>So how you were parented.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:09:27</time>
<p>And just understanding, like if you've got some past stuff there and we don't unpack that that is way beyond my scope.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:09:33</time>
<p>But I just know for myself even that when I have to or when I had to redefine what a good parent was, because that's how I could get a better understanding of connecting with my values as a person, what I wanted my family values to be, and how we supported our PDA ERs within our family, including myself.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:09:52</time>
<p>There was a lot, a lot to unpack that may, that may not be applicable to your situation.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:09:59</time>
<p>But just, yeah, consider that, that it isn't just the years that you have parented.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:10:03</time>
<p>It is the years that you have been parented as well that influence how you show up and how enact certain parenting approaches, strategies and how you believe them.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:10:16</time>
<p>And that will affect how quickly or how committed you may think you are to your mindset being able to change or able to shift.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:10:25</time>
<p>So this is not a quick fix.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:10:27</time>
<p>This is why any type of parenting course, especially one that doesn't have like ongoing support or like an ongoing support element to it and like a feedback almost to trial and error.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:10:39</time>
<p>What's working, what isn't.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:10:41</time>
<p>Same with a book.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:10:42</time>
<p>While it's so helpful as a resource, it isn't something that grows and changes with you.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:10:47</time>
<p>And a lot of the times, even though there are some incredible books, it is something that you can't really grab or put in your pocket during a hard moment.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:10:55</time>
<p>It is something that sometimes just collects dust on a shelf or you might come back to it, which is great, but it doesn't help in the moment when you are trying to change patterns that have been built over so many years.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:11:08</time>
<p>And as we were just talking about even sometimes those patterns that were inherited from your own childhood and those things, they don't just dissolve because you finished a course or closed that book and put it back on your shelf.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:11:21</time>
<p>They will come back often harder.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:11:23</time>
<p>And you may not even realize where something is coming from.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:11:26</time>
<p>Have you ever kind of replayed something that came out of your mouth and you went, oh my gosh, I sound like my, my own parent or I sound like my own mum or dad or whoever it was, and you're just shocked because you went, I was never going to say that.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:11:40</time>
<p>I was never going to parent that way.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:11:41</time>
<p>But it's there.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:11:42</time>
<p>That is an example of no matter how much you try to do something different, if we don't acknowledge what lies underneath in our thinking and in our mind, then how we approach this new parenting approach will be much harder.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:11:56</time>
<p>Doesn't mean it can't be done.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:11:58</time>
<p>You can do it.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:11:59</time>
<p>It just means that there are so many other pieces to this puzzle that we may not consider when we are sitting deep within that 4pm meltdown with her child.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:12:08</time>
<p>So this is so much bigger than any single strategy that you will be searching for right now.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:12:14</time>
<p>And I'm not saying that to put you off or to scare you.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:12:17</time>
<p>I'm saying that because I value honesty and I value your time.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:12:21</time>
<p>And I genuinely think that if someone says, hey, try this, it'll completely fix everything that isn't being honest.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:12:30</time>
<p>And I would hate to lead you down the wrong path.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:12:33</time>
<p>You know, I think that expectations are huge and I want you to know that what you are getting into with switching your mindset in a parenting approach, it can take a long time.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:12:45</time>
<p>It doesn't mean that it won't happen.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:12:48</time>
<p>Because to me, if you're already listening, if you've actually made it this far already, then that actually does tell me that you want to make a positive change and that you are committed to figuring out how to make low demand parenting work for your specific child.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:13:06</time>
<p>And I think that's really, really important.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:13:09</time>
<p>And give yourself a massive pat on the back for a couple of things.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:13:12</time>
<p>One, thank you for listening all the way through to the end of the episode.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:13:15</time>
<p>And two, and most importantly actually so it should be, number one is well done you for acknowledging and just being aware that you might need to change up some things to support your PDA child, teen or adult in your life.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:13:28</time>
<p>Okay, I have something super exciting that I can't wait to share.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:13:32</time>
<p>I am creating my first free webinar and I would absolutely love to invite you to be a part of it.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:13:41</time>
<p>Stay tuned for next week when I will be releasing the sign up link for my brand new free webinar training to support PDA Low demand parenting to support the listeners just like you.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:13:54</time>
<p>I absolutely can't wait to invite you and to release that to you next week.</p>
<cite>Speaker B</cite>
<time>00:14:03</time>
<p>Thank you so much for allowing me into your world today.</p>
<cite>Speaker B</cite>
<time>00:14:06</time>
<p>Wherever you are around the globe.</p>
<cite>Speaker B</cite>
<time>00:14:08</time>
<p>If you like what you've heard, I would be so grateful if you would click that subscribe button and comment below to tell me one thing.</p>
<cite>Speaker B</cite>
<time>00:14:15</time>
<p>What support do you need?</p>
<cite>Speaker B</cite>
<time>00:14:17</time>
<p>This helps me create episodes that truly impact our shared community.</p>
<cite>Speaker B</cite>
<time>00:14:22</time>
<p>By commenting, you not only help yourself, but you help make modern neurodiversity affirming autism support accessible to those who are searching for a better parenting approach.</p>
<cite>Speaker B</cite>
<time>00:14:33</time>
<p>That actually feels good.</p>
<cite>Speaker B</cite>
<time>00:14:35</time>
<p>I'm Chantel and I'll see you next week.</p>
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