PDA in Young Adults: Navigating Autonomy and What NOT to Do in the Teen to Adult Transition

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<p>There's a</p>
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<p>phrase that keeps coming up in conversations with the parents that I work with,</p>
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<p>with what I'm reading online, with the emails that I'm getting within my inbox.</p>
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<p>They're saying, he's technically an adult now,</p>
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<p>but why can't he leave his room?</p>
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<p>Or she's turned 18 and everything just stopped.</p>
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<p>Every support we had is gone. Or simply,</p>
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<p>why didn't anybody prepare me for this part?</p>
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<p>These families are exhausted and struggling with the transition of what happens</p>
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<p>as your child transitions into adulthood.</p>
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<p>If that's where you are right now,</p>
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<p>then this episode is made specifically for you.</p>
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<p>And I want you to know you are not alone or not as alone in this as it might feel.</p>
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<p>Before I get into this episode,</p>
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<p>I want to quickly mention something that is pretty exciting.</p>
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<p>I do only have five one-to-one coaching spots left for the rest of 2026.</p>
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<p>After that, I'm moving into a group coaching program,</p>
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<p>which I'm genuinely really excited about.</p>
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<p>I can just see</p>
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<p>Day by day, week by week, month by month,</p>
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<p>the incredible transformations that are happening within parents</p>
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<p>and within families all around the world.</p>
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<p>I'm so privileged that I get to bear witness to these shifts and that these families</p>
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<p>are trusting me to walk alongside them.</p>
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<p>If you are interested in pursuing one-to-one coaching with me,</p>
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<p>this will be the last year that you can participate in that.</p>
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<p>Truly in the one-to-one format,</p>
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<p>If you are wanting to find out more,</p>
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<p>please look to the show notes and book in a connection call.</p>
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<p>Thirty minutes with myself, no obligation,</p>
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<p>just a conversation to see if this is something that might finally benefit</p>
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<p>you and support your family in this season of your life.</p>
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<p>Let's get back into the episode.</p>
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<p>If you've been parenting a neurodivergent child,</p>
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<p>autistic child, ADHD, perhaps they're AuDHD</p>
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<p>so autistic and ADHD as their neurotype.</p>
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<p>Maybe they have just recently come across PDA and realized that they are PDA.</p>
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<p>Maybe you have known for quite some time.</p>
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<p>The research</p>
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<p>Is only just starting to catch up.</p>
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<p>So for a lot of the parents who have teenagers and young adults,</p>
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<p>PDA may be a new diagnosis as a profile for their child.</p>
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<p>They may have been looking at autism for years and then all of a sudden</p>
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<p>PDA comes to the forefront. They may have had an oppositional defiance disorder</p>
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<p>for their child and then realized,</p>
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<p>well, hold on, my child isn't oppositionally defiant.</p>
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<p>They have a nervous system disability.</p>
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<p>you may fit into one of the categories that I have just explained.</p>
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<p>So if you've been parenting a neurodivergent child,</p>
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<p>and now you're going, or maybe you've always known that your child is</p>
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<p>PDA and they are demand avoidant and they have this need for autonomy.</p>
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<p>And when they don't have it, their nervous system feels danger and threat.</p>
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<p>And that is real.</p>
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<p>And you know it's real because you've been parenting your child for fifteen,</p>
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<p>eighteen, twenty years, even more than that,</p>
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<p>depending on how old your child is.</p>
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<p>You know things that no book has fully prepared you for or anyone</p>
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<p>for who's navigating this right now.</p>
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<p>You know what it's like to fight for a diagnosis or fight to be seen</p>
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<p>by school supports, by medical professionals,</p>
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<p>by your friends, by your family.</p>
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<p>Fight for someone to believe you,</p>
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<p>and then watch your child age out of every system that was meant to help</p>
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<p>all at once. And the real tricky part about PDA is that it does often</p>
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<p>go so under the radar because PDA children are high maskers.</p>
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<p>They try to fit into social situations even when it is quite uncomfortable.</p>
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<p>They may have been diagnosed autistic quite late as well,</p>
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<p>because these traits were always hidden.</p>
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<p>They were always able to find a way to avoid the demand to hide their discomfort.</p>
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<p>You obviously knew that they were hiding something,</p>
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<p>because you know your child.</p>
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<p>But you get this in a different way.</p>
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<p>And I feel that you've been let down if you have a child of this age.</p>
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<p>Cause even if they did get supports,</p>
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<p>it wouldn't have been the full supports.</p>
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<p>Because they likely would be seen by professionals that you're trying</p>
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<p>to get help from as only meeting some or most of the autistic criteria,</p>
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<p>as states in the DSM five, which is,</p>
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<p>by the way, very outdated.</p>
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<p>Or if they are a female or a sign female at birth and they are</p>
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<p>and have been socially kind of put in this place of masking to fit in.</p>
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<p>From such a young age, the differences that the research shows between females</p>
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<p>and males and the social expectations,</p>
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<p>and we don't mean to put these in place so much of the time,</p>
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<p>but they're there and they do affect autistic women and autistic females,</p>
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<p>autistic girls so much more differently.</p>
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<p>So if you're listening and you've had some support,</p>
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<p>PDA is really hard to get that support within the systems.</p>
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<p>They usually sit on this cusp of high anxiety,</p>
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<p>possibly OCD behavior. And they may have OCD as well,</p>
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<p>So I'm not discrediting that at all.</p>
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<p>my scope is coaching, not psychological assessment.</p>
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<p>but in my experience, those are the misdiagnoses or the diagnosis that come first</p>
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<p>before PDA is discovered</p>
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<p>You know what it's like to grieve quietly?</p>
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<p>Not grieve your child. Your child is here and you love them completely.</p>
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<p>But the future for your child that you imagined might be a bit different than what</p>
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<p>is in front of you. The milestones that haven't happened yet.</p>
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<p>The milestones that you are watching your friends go through with their children.</p>
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<p>The independence that feels further away than it did five years ago.</p>
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<p>I hear that all of it, and I want to say it clearly.</p>
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<p>This isolation. The isolation of this stage is real.</p>
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<p>It is underacknowledged and it is not a reflection of anything that</p>
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<p>you have done wrong as apparent to your child.</p>
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<p>Stay with me today in this episode because I'm going to walk</p>
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<p>you through three mindset shifts that I genuinely believe will change</p>
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<p>how you see what is happening right now in your home with your child.</p>
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<p>And the third one in particular,</p>
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<p>I just had a family share with me that they wish that someone had given them this</p>
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<p>information years ago.</p>
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<p>There's a term that keeps appearing in conversations about autism</p>
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<p>and adulthood that people are naming as the services cliff.</p>
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<p>Not sure if you've come across that in social media,</p>
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<p>but I had a little peruse the other day,</p>
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<p>and this is something that came up.</p>
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<p>And it was actually nice to see a name for it,</p>
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<p>a collective name. And that describes exactly what it sounds like the moment</p>
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<p>a young person</p>
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<p>Turns 18, 21, whatever the age may be,</p>
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<p>wherever you are in the world,</p>
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<p>the supports that they had access to that were supporting</p>
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<p>and holding things together, they simply just disappear because they've</p>
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<p>had a birthday. Not gradually,</p>
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<p>sometimes not with a thought out transition plan that actually works.</p>
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<p>It's just gone. And for young people who are PDA,</p>
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<p>this transition is particularly brutal.</p>
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<p>Because PDA, by its nature, makes structured environments and formal support systems</p>
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<p>very difficult to navigate, even the ones that are low demand.</p>
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<p>Because they still remove autonomy.</p>
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<p>And we think your child isn't five anymore.</p>
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<p>They're fifteen or twenty-five.</p>
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<p>And they not only need a say in their development and where they're at,</p>
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<p>but if they're PDA, they need that say so badly that anyone who doesn't give</p>
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<p>it or any structured system that doesn't offer it to them will</p>
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<p>Create a threat response in their body.</p>
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<p>And when people don't understand that,</p>
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<p>the young person, the young adult,</p>
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<p>it's very hard for them to feel supported.</p>
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<p>So they do retreat. And it looks a lot like failure or laziness from the outside,</p>
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<p>but it's not.</p>
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<p>The systems that exist for autistic young adults were not designed with</p>
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<p>the PDA profile in mind.</p>
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<p>And I do just want to say that this is not an attack at any system meant</p>
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<p>to support autistic teens or adults.</p>
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<p>It is simply an indication of the spectrum of autism,</p>
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<p>the varying support needs that an autistic person will have,</p>
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<p>that an autistic teenager, young adult will have.</p>
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<p>And we're all trying to figure out where the demand avoidant profile,</p>
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<p>where PDA fits.</p>
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<p>Along within that.</p>
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<p>Where does it sit if you don't have a diagnosis?</p>
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<p>Where does it sit if your teen or your young adult's ADHD?</p>
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<p>What traits are ADHD versus PDA versus autism?</p>
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<p>It's so much to manage.</p>
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<p>And when we think of the traditional supports for autistic adults,</p>
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<p>a lot of them are very traditional.</p>
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<p>They are very routine based and rhythmic and supportive</p>
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<p>of life skills and independence,</p>
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<p>which is great. But with a PDA person,</p>
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<p>the demand of learning those things is a lot.</p>
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<p>So what parents describe as a child who was already struggling,</p>
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<p>suddenly losing whatever scaffolding,</p>
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<p>so whatever supports existed before,</p>
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<p>and then often retreating further now that they don't have those supports in place,</p>
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<p>often it will look like a burnout,</p>
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<p>and it probably is, depending on the traits that they're showing.</p>
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<p>And what's also showing is a parent left holding everything together with</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:09:12</time>
<p>no roadmap and no one to get support from.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:09:15</time>
<p>If this is your experience, it is not unique to your family,</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:09:18</time>
<p>it is a pattern and it is a systemic failure,</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:09:21</time>
<p>not a parenting failure.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:09:22</time>
<p>Okay, three very important mindset shifts.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:09:25</time>
<p>Let's go. Your young adults withdrawal is not regression,</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:09:29</time>
<p>it is often recovery. So that is your mindset shift one to consider.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:09:34</time>
<p>Let me explain. When a PDA, young person or adult retreats,</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:09:38</time>
<p>so they stop going out.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:09:40</time>
<p>They stay at home, they rest. The natural instinct is to worry that they're going</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:09:44</time>
<p>backwards, that something needs to be done to support them back into society.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:09:49</time>
<p>But what I see again and again is that this withdrawal is often their nervous system</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:09:54</time>
<p>doing exactly what it needs to do and finally having the space to.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:09:58</time>
<p>After years of trying to fit into environments that were not built for them.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:10:02</time>
<p>Their nervous system needs to rest,</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:10:04</time>
<p>it needs to stop, to decompress,</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:10:07</time>
<p>to recover.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:10:07</time>
<p>If they've just finished school,</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:10:09</time>
<p>they are probably in burnout exhausted if they made it through school.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:10:13</time>
<p>Even homeschooling can be a demand as well.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:10:15</time>
<p>It is a great support for PDA children,</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:10:18</time>
<p>but it is still challenging for them and for those who homeschool them.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:10:22</time>
<p>Because when they finish, what next?</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:10:25</time>
<p>There's still that demand, that expectation.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:10:27</time>
<p>Reframing retreat as recovery rather than a failure does change everything about</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:10:33</time>
<p>how you respond to the behaviors that you're seeing.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:10:36</time>
<p>So instead of just saying, My child won't get out of their room,</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:10:39</time>
<p>you know, they're 17, 18, 19, you know,</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:10:42</time>
<p>they can manage hanging out with a friend one day.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:10:45</time>
<p>They can manage this the next,</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:10:46</time>
<p>but they refuse to have a job,</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:10:48</time>
<p>they can't handle working, or they can work,</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:10:51</time>
<p>but then they come home and they have no capacity to cook their own dinner.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:10:54</time>
<p>Yet society tells us that we should have prepared them for this independence</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:10:58</time>
<p>of what happens after high school.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:11:00</time>
<p>And even if we tried, it doesn't mean that it would have stuck.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:11:03</time>
<p>with our PDA, young person.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:11:05</time>
<p>So this reframe, this mindset shift,</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:11:08</time>
<p>this change in languaging and thinking changes everything about how</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:11:13</time>
<p>you respond to the behavior that you're seeing.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:11:16</time>
<p>And in turn, it changes how your young person feels about themselves,</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:11:20</time>
<p>how involved they might feel in supporting their own recovery.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:11:24</time>
<p>actually having the space to understand on their own terms their neurotype,</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:11:28</time>
<p>maybe even for the first time,</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:11:30</time>
<p>without the supports of other people,</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:11:32</time>
<p>other people's opinions, a program to follow.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:11:35</time>
<p>So this is their independence.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:11:37</time>
<p>But sometimes we just get in the way.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:11:39</time>
<p>And I know that no one means to,</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:11:41</time>
<p>because we want what's best for them.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:11:42</time>
<p>The parents that I'm currently working with who are supporting</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:11:46</time>
<p>Teenagers and young adults, they care so deeply for their child.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:11:50</time>
<p>They are not embarrassed by their child whatsoever.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:11:52</time>
<p>They are building confidence to know that what their child needs</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:11:56</time>
<p>is actually what they need despite what other people think they need.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:12:00</time>
<p>Mindset shift two. Independence for a PDA young adult might look completely</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:12:06</time>
<p>different from what you were taught to expect.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:12:09</time>
<p>We carry a very specific picture of what adult independence looks like.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:12:13</time>
<p>Moving out, employment, financial autonomy,</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:12:16</time>
<p>coming home for Christmas and Thanksgiving and all the other holidays,</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:12:21</time>
<p>but being independent outside of those holidays.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:12:25</time>
<p>But when that picture doesn't materialize,</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:12:27</time>
<p>there's a grief in that, a real grief,</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:12:29</time>
<p>and I really want to honor that for you.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:12:31</time>
<p>And I also want to gently offer that for PDA young adults,</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:12:34</time>
<p>independence is often built very slowly in small increments from a place</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:12:39</time>
<p>of deep felt safety. And I'm not saying that they haven't spent years feeling</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:12:45</time>
<p>nurtured and safe, because if you are this committed and you</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:12:48</time>
<p>are listening through this podcast episode,</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:12:50</time>
<p>I guarantee that you feel those things for your child.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:12:53</time>
<p>You are an incredible parent to them.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:12:54</time>
<p>But as much as they had you,</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:12:56</time>
<p>the demand surrounding them could have actually done the opposite</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:13:00</time>
<p>of creating that independence.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:13:01</time>
<p>I'll give you an example.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:13:03</time>
<p>I'm going to use sports. If a child grew up playing sports,</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:13:06</time>
<p>a PDA child genuinely loved it.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:13:08</time>
<p>It was their outlet. They were committed.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:13:11</time>
<p>They loved being a part of a team.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:13:13</time>
<p>And as much as your child may have enjoyed that,</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:13:17</time>
<p>it is still a demand.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:13:18</time>
<p>And also important to remember is if somebody is PDA,</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:13:22</time>
<p>feels they are PDA, deep in their bones,</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:13:24</time>
<p>if they know that that is their neurotype.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:13:26</time>
<p>And I'm speaking at the moment from myself.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:13:29</time>
<p>there are so many things that I love doing,</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:13:31</time>
<p>genuinely love doing.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:13:32</time>
<p>And I could want to do something so badly.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:13:35</time>
<p>I could have everything set up.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:13:37</time>
<p>I could have everyone around me supporting it.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:13:39</time>
<p>But because of the pressure to do it,</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:13:42</time>
<p>I will hit a block. I feel shame after,</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:13:44</time>
<p>I feel so many things. And it is really hard.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:13:48</time>
<p>So that is why even just the word defiance or avoidance or pathological,</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:13:53</time>
<p>That language undermines the emotional feelings that a PDA person has</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:13:59</time>
<p>to go through when a demand is put in place that they know they are resisting.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:14:05</time>
<p>It isn't willful a lot of the time in PDA.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:14:09</time>
<p>It is automatic. It is hard to stop.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:14:11</time>
<p>It's almost dangerous to stop because it is like forcing your brain</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:14:15</time>
<p>to be different than the way that it was created.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:14:18</time>
<p>And we need to accommodate. But if we look at the child who</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:14:21</time>
<p>now has this independence, and maybe those demands aren't there anymore for them,</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:14:25</time>
<p>they can begin to figure out how to accommodate themselves.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:14:29</time>
<p>And that is a journey. And it looks like retreating,</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:14:32</time>
<p>it looks like exhaustion. It looks like barely being able to put toast</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:14:37</time>
<p>in the toaster. I almost said microwave.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:14:40</time>
<p>Maybe they put toast in the microwave,</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:14:42</time>
<p>but putting toast in the toaster,</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:14:44</time>
<p>grabbing a knife, then walking back and putting whatever they put on their toast.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:14:50</time>
<p>I'm quite boring. I put butter on my toast.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:14:52</time>
<p>But that process is a lot. The fact they know they're hungry,</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:14:55</time>
<p>they know they have to eat, but they can't do it.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:14:57</time>
<p>And then if they're ADHD, that executive functioning struggle comes into play.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:15:01</time>
<p>So there is just so much here.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:15:03</time>
<p>So getting back to the core of this mindset shift,</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:15:05</time>
<p>thinking of independence for that PDA child that you have,</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:15:09</time>
<p>that young adult, it is going to look completely different than what</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:15:14</time>
<p>you ever thought independence looked like.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:15:18</time>
<p>It could be successful that they are able to butter their own toast in the morning.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:15:23</time>
<p>This is why it's so important that we don't compare our child situation,</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:15:27</time>
<p>our young adult situation to our friend's child situation or young adult situation</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:15:32</time>
<p>because independence looks different.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:15:34</time>
<p>Being independent and leaving the house is not the measure of success.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:15:39</time>
<p>If you are listening and you have a feeling or this idea that independence equals</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:15:46</time>
<p>success.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:15:46</time>
<p>It is relative to the child, the neurotype,</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:15:49</time>
<p>the person, the situation. But what else is that it actually doesn't need</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:15:55</time>
<p>to equal success? And that is a really dangerous story that we're telling ourselves.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:16:01</time>
<p>Think of the pressure that puts on us,</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:16:03</time>
<p>and in turn, our child. They could be in burnout.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:16:07</time>
<p>They could be trying to figure out.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:16:09</time>
<p>that they're PDA, they could be trying to just get by day to day.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:16:13</time>
<p>And because we have been pushing towards this pedestal.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:16:19</time>
<p>That we have put success on.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:16:20</time>
<p>Give yourself permission for it to look different because that in itself</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:16:25</time>
<p>can make a big difference in how you support your PDA young adult who</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:16:31</time>
<p>you feel is struggling and if they are really struggling.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:16:34</time>
<p>So it may look less like launching forward towards something,</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:16:38</time>
<p>and it might look much slower.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:16:40</time>
<p>It might look like three steps forward,</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:16:43</time>
<p>20 steps back.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:16:44</time>
<p>carefully expanding what feels possible for them as they rebuild capacity.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:16:48</time>
<p>So it's a different timeline.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:16:50</time>
<p>that is not the same as no progress.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:16:52</time>
<p>Okay, mindset shift number three</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:16:54</time>
<p>Your role hasn't ended. It has just changed.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:16:57</time>
<p>There's a message parents of adult children often receive that your job is done,</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:17:02</time>
<p>that stepping back is healthy,</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:17:03</time>
<p>and for many families, yes. In the right context,</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:17:07</time>
<p>for specific children, teenagers,</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:17:09</time>
<p>ones that aren't struggling to understand their neurotype</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:17:12</time>
<p>and support their neurotype and recover from burnout,</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:17:15</time>
<p>that may be correct for them.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:17:17</time>
<p>For PDA families, it is more nuanced.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:17:19</time>
<p>Your young adult still needs co-regulation.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:17:21</time>
<p>They may still need nervous system-safe relationships as their foundation.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:17:26</time>
<p>The form of that changes. It becomes less about managing and more about witnessing,</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:17:31</time>
<p>less about directing and more about being a steady presence and support for them.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:17:36</time>
<p>And it might feel slow. And that is the hard part.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:17:40</time>
<p>Your steady presence in their life,</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:17:43</time>
<p>whether they're at home with you,</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:17:44</time>
<p>whether they have moved out of the house,</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:17:46</time>
<p>that is a real and a valid role.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:17:48</time>
<p>It is not enabling their behavior.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:17:50</time>
<p>I will say that again for those in the back.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:17:53</time>
<p>You are not enabling lazy behavior if your PDA child is recovering from burnout.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:18:00</time>
<p>if they are taking their time,</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:18:02</time>
<p>if they are relearning and taking control over understanding where their capacity</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
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<p>lies.</p>
<p></p>
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<p>It is attuned support that you are giving them for a nervous system that genuinely</p>
<p></p>
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<p>needs it. And you are allowed to honor that even when the world suggests that your</p>
<p></p>
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<p>child, your eighteen year old,</p>
<p></p>
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<p>twenty-year-old, twenty-five year old,</p>
<p></p>
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<p>maybe even thirty-year-old.</p>
<p></p>
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<p>When the world suggests that that child should be standing on their own feet by now.</p>
<p></p>
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<p>What that looks like standing on their own feet.</p>
<p></p>
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<p>will be different from child to child.</p>
<p></p>
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<p>And it is not a measure of how much you have succeeded as a parent.</p>
<p></p>
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<p>So what does this look like in real life?</p>
<p></p>
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<p>I've given some examples, but as we're wrapping up,</p>
<p></p>
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<p>I want to leave you with a few thoughts.</p>
<p></p>
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<p>For parents in this stage, the most helpful things that I see are often very quiet.</p>
<p></p>
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<p>And what I mean by that is that they are learning,</p>
<p></p>
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<p>like really learning, to reduce pressure in language that causes pressure</p>
<p></p>
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<p>or expectation within their home.</p>
<p></p>
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<p>Not when are you going to do blah blah blah,</p>
<p></p>
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<p>but instead staying curious, warm,</p>
<p></p>
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<p>present, without an agenda. And that waiting and not knowing what their future holds</p>
<p></p>
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<p>is hard.</p>
<p></p>
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<p>I won't discredit that. It is really hard.</p>
<p></p>
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<p>But if you push and if you rush,</p>
<p></p>
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<p>it may become harder. Noticing what your young adult can do,</p>
<p></p>
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<p>even the small things, even if their capacity fluctuates day by day,</p>
<p></p>
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<p>rather than measuring them against what they can't do yet,</p>
<p></p>
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<p>have a look at where they have come.</p>
<p></p>
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<p>What brings them to life even briefly,</p>
<p></p>
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<p>that's where the connection lives.</p>
<p></p>
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<p>And you can still tap into that.</p>
<p></p>
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<p>They don't need to be seven playing with trains or running around outside</p>
<p></p>
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<p>for you to connect with what lights them up.</p>
<p></p>
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<p>And who knows, it might still be trains and that is okay.</p>
<p></p>
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<time>00:19:46</time>
<p>And for you, finding a space where you can say this out loud without judgment,</p>
<p></p>
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<p>where you don't have to pretend that your child is fine.</p>
<p></p>
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<p>Where you don't have to protect anyone from the truth of your reality.</p>
<p></p>
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<p>That space is not a luxury.</p>
<p></p>
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<p>For parents of young adults who are PBA especially,</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
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<p>it is often what makes everything change.</p>
<p></p>
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<p>What I really hope that you will take away from this episode,</p>
<p></p>
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<p>if you have made it this far, thank you.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
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<p>If you are parenting a young adult who is PDA,</p>
<p></p>
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<p>whether they have known for years,</p>
<p></p>
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<p>whether you have known, or whether it is something you have just stumbled upon</p>
<p></p>
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<p>recently. Heck, even if you just figured it out yesterday and</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
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<p>you found this podcast, welcome,</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
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<p>by the way. If you've been at this for 20 years and you feel more lost</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
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<p>now than you did at the beginning.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
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<p>I want you to know something. The fact that there is almost no content,</p>
<p></p>
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<p>no support, no roadmap for this stage of you parenting your neurodivergent child,</p>
<p></p>
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<p>that is not a reflection of how rare your experience is.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
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<p>It is a reflection of how badly this community that you are a part</p>
<p></p>
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<p>of has been let down.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
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<p>You are not alone, your child's path is not over,</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:20:56</time>
<p>and your role in their life still matters so much.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:21:00</time>
<p>Please give yourself grace today.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
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<p>Give your child space if they need it.</p>
<p></p>
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<p>No matter what anyone else says,</p>
<p></p>
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<p>if you think they need it, if they need it,</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:21:10</time>
<p>then they need it.</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:21:11</time>
<p>Make sure you tune in to the next episode where we are diving into this guilt that</p>
<p></p>
<cite>Speaker:</cite>
<time>00:21:15</time>
<p>nobody ever gives you permission to speak about.</p>
<p></p>
<p></p>