The Burnout Nobody Talks About | What PDA Parenting Actually Costs You

The Exhaustion Nobody Names

0:47 SPEAKER_01: I want to start today with something I don't think we talk about enough.

0:51 SPEAKER_01: Not the meltdowns, not the school refusal, not the mornings that feel impossible before they even begin.

0:59 SPEAKER_01: I want to talk about what all of that is doing to you.

1:05 SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the Attuned Spectrum Podcast.

1:07 SPEAKER_00: I'm Chantelle Hewitt, an ADHD mum, experienced educator, and autism support coach who understands your path because I also walk it daily.

1:17 SPEAKER_00: This is your space for real conversations that empower your autistic child, yourself, and your family to thrive.

1:31 SPEAKER_01: Everyone was finally inside the house.

1:34 SPEAKER_01: The day was technically over, or at least the rush of the after-school pickup was, and I just couldn't move.

1:41 SPEAKER_01: I wasn't sad exactly, or I wasn't angry.

1:43 SPEAKER_01: I wouldn't even say I was overwhelmed.

1:46 SPEAKER_01: I just felt completely empty.

1:49 SPEAKER_01: I even thought, is this what it's like?

1:52 SPEAKER_01: Is it a continuous cycle of apprehension, waiting for the next meltdown, maybe diffusing it, keeping everyone's autonomy intact, making sure the meltdowns don't affect the other child, making sure I'm okay if that was even a thought that I had.

2:10 SPEAKER_01: And then I thought, nobody talks about this part.

2:13 SPEAKER_01: And even I didn't talk about this part when I started this podcast.

2:16 SPEAKER_01: Because I'm learning too.

2:18 SPEAKER_01: And when I go back and reflect on all the progress that I have made and that my family has made and the impact that this has had on our PDA son and our other children, it actually comes back to our nervous system as the parent.

2:31 SPEAKER_01: And that is what today's about.

2:32 SPEAKER_01: If you're listening to this, chances are you're exhausted in a very specific way.

2:37 SPEAKER_01: Not just tired, not just having a really hard week.

2:40 SPEAKER_01: I mean the kind of exhausted that lives deep within your body.

2:44 SPEAKER_01: The kind where you've been running on adrenaline and love and sheer will for so long that you've actually forgotten what it feels like to not be bracing for the next meltdown.

Why PDA Parenting Drains You

2:54 SPEAKER_01: You've probably read all the books, you've tried the strategies, you've sat through the meetings, you've advocated, explained, justified, and defended your child and yourself more times than you can count.

3:06 SPEAKER_01: And somewhere in the middle of all of that, quietly, without anyone really noticing, maybe you got lost.

3:13 SPEAKER_01: So how are you actually doing?

3:15 SPEAKER_01: Stick with me today, because by the end of this episode, I'm going to give you three reframes that might completely change how you see your own exhaustion as a PDA parent.

3:25 SPEAKER_01: And one of them changed everything for me.

3:27 SPEAKER_01: This episode is for you, not strategies for your child.

3:31 SPEAKER_01: But funny enough, it's actually the best strategy of all.

3:34 SPEAKER_01: There's a lot of conversation right now about parental burnout.

3:37 SPEAKER_01: And I do just want to explain here that I, when I speak of parental burnout, I am speaking of exhaustion.

3:45 SPEAKER_01: I am speaking of the difference of that weight that we carry when we parent a child with a nervous system disability or a neurodivergent child, autistic, ADHD, PDA.

4:00 SPEAKER_01: These don't have to be diagnosed either.

4:02 SPEAKER_01: That's a whole other kettle of fish, but it's there.

4:05 SPEAKER_01: And if you believe it's there, diagnosis or not, paper or not, label or not, whether that is because you are trying and you can't get one, or because it is your choice to not get one.

4:16 SPEAKER_01: And that is also okay.

4:18 SPEAKER_01: Please remember each family is different.

4:20 SPEAKER_01: Your values are different.

4:22 SPEAKER_01: But what does matter is that when we are talking about burnout as a parent of a neurodivergent child, we see it for what it actually is.

4:32 SPEAKER_01: And my differentiator here as well is we use burnout.

4:36 SPEAKER_01: And I use burnout a lot of the times too when I speak of autistic burnout, PDA burnout, neurodivergent burnout, and that nervous system exhaustion when we're speaking in the context of a neurodivergent child or a PDA child.

4:50 SPEAKER_01: While I'm speaking as a neurodivergent person, I definitely have been multiple times for years at a time in my own neurodivergent burnout.

5:00 SPEAKER_01: I will separate that because what I'm speaking to, you do not need to be neurodivergent to understand what I'm saying, because I am speaking to that parental load, that mental load, your nervous system being absolutely shot because of the needs that you are managing within your child, the dynamics of your family.

5:23 SPEAKER_01: So yeah, there is a lot of conversation right now about being burnt out as a parent.

5:28 SPEAKER_01: We're coming up to the school holidays.

5:30 SPEAKER_01: Depending on where you are in the world, you may already be on school holidays.

5:33 SPEAKER_01: You may be having shorter holidays, you may be tired.

5:36 SPEAKER_01: And I don't mean to discredit that.

5:37 SPEAKER_01: But if you have found your way to this podcast, I believe that you know that you fit into the first category of parent that I'm talking about.

5:47 SPEAKER_01: Because yes, parenting in itself, it is exhausting and there are so many layers.

5:53 SPEAKER_01: But when you add a neurodivergence, not being supported, not feeling seen, not having people with you to advocate or to understand through your advocacy, that in itself carries so much weight, it makes it not the same.

6:09 SPEAKER_01: PDA parenting is different because the nervous system demand is constant.

6:13 SPEAKER_01: You are co-regulating, which means that you are regulating somebody else's nervous system all the time, almost all of the time.

6:21 SPEAKER_01: And sometimes we forget that in order to be in that dyad relationship of that co-regulation, we need to be regulated ourselves.

6:31 SPEAKER_01: But how can we actually do that when the child that we love so much that we need to support and co-regulate is in constant distress and needs us.

6:41 SPEAKER_01: It is really challenging.

6:42 SPEAKER_01: So you read the room before you even enter it.

6:45 SPEAKER_01: You calculate every word before you say it, whether it is to somebody else, to a teacher, to a doctor, or to your child, even some friends, family, you're absorbing the dysregulation all around you so your child doesn't have to carry it alone.

7:03 SPEAKER_01: That is an enormous emotional and neurological load, and it doesn't switch off at the end of the day.

7:08 SPEAKER_01: PDA parenting burnout is often invisible, even to the parent experiencing it.

7:14 SPEAKER_01: And I know that because I was that parent.

7:17 SPEAKER_01: I didn't realize until it was so bad, until that rock bottom hit, and there was no other way but up.

7:24 SPEAKER_01: Except we didn't really know what up was.

7:26 SPEAKER_01: Because you're still functioning, you still show up, you still manage, but functioning is not the same as thriving, and surviving is not the same as being okay.

Three Reframes For Burnout

7:36 SPEAKER_01: Okay, three reframes.

7:39 SPEAKER_01: Here we go.

7:40 SPEAKER_01: Reframe one, and I'm quoting this word, but quote, high functioning, quote, on the outside is not the same as okay on the inside.

7:51 SPEAKER_01: I used to think, partly because I was also told this by other professionals that I would ask help from.

7:58 SPEAKER_01: I was told that if I was still coping, if I was still getting the children to school, still making the appointments, still somehow holding it all together, then I wasn't really burnt out.

8:08 SPEAKER_01: I thought burnout was when you couldn't function at all.

8:11 SPEAKER_01: What I've come to understand from working with countless families who are in that position, as well as getting myself and my own family out of that space, is that the burnout of the family system in PDA families with the co-regulator, with that primary caregiver, with the parents.

8:29 SPEAKER_01: So this is separate from the burnout that your child is experiencing.

8:33 SPEAKER_01: It often looks like high functioning on the outside and complete depletion on the inside.

8:39 SPEAKER_01: The fact that you're still going on is not evidence that you're okay.

8:43 SPEAKER_01: It's evidence of how hard you've been trying to make something work.

8:46 SPEAKER_01: PDA parenting burnout looks like dreading the sound of your child's footsteps in the morning and then feeling crushing guilt about that.

8:55 SPEAKER_01: I know I've felt that.

8:56 SPEAKER_01: It looks like having nothing left for anyone else.

8:59 SPEAKER_01: It looks like your nervous system staying on high alert even when the house is quiet.

9:04 SPEAKER_01: Because even if they're not there, your body has learnt that the quiet doesn't last long.

9:11 SPEAKER_01: Reframe toe.

9:12 SPEAKER_01: Your burnout is not a sign that you are not cut out to parent your child.

9:17 SPEAKER_01: It's a sign that you've been doing this without enough support or without the right support.

9:23 SPEAKER_01: There is a significant difference, and I really hope that you can see that.

9:27 SPEAKER_01: The system was not designed for PDA families.

9:30 SPEAKER_01: That is not an error on your part.

9:33 SPEAKER_01: That means that you've been navigating something genuinely complex and nuanced, often without the right tools, often without anyone who truly understands, often while also defending your child to people who don't believe what you're describing as your reality.

9:49 SPEAKER_01: Because clearly it can't be that bad, right?

9:52 SPEAKER_01: Clearly, we can just force them, if we use a specific tone, to get their teeth brushed, to use the toilet, to eat, to like, to eat a meal that they have chosen.

10:04 SPEAKER_01: Surely it can't be what we're describing, right?

10:07 SPEAKER_01: But we both know that it is.

10:09 SPEAKER_01: And that is not a personal failing.

10:11 SPEAKER_01: That is a systemic failure, a societal mismatch.

10:16 SPEAKER_01: And your burnout is in part the cost of carrying a systemic failure on your own shoulders.

10:22 SPEAKER_01: Reframe three.

10:24 SPEAKER_01: You cannot co-regulate your child from a chronically dysregulated state.

10:29 SPEAKER_01: Taking care of your own nervous system is the deeper work.

10:33 SPEAKER_01: It is not a reward for getting everything right.

10:37 SPEAKER_01: This is not a criticism.

10:39 SPEAKER_01: This is physiology.

10:42 SPEAKER_01: This is what is happening inside your body.

10:44 SPEAKER_01: You cannot be the anchor for your family when everyone else is drowning.

10:50 SPEAKER_01: It's just not possible.

10:53 SPEAKER_01: And the most important thing that you can do for your child's nervous system right now, today, is to take your own seriously.

11:02 SPEAKER_01: That is not selfish.

11:03 SPEAKER_01: That is literally the biggest part of the work that I do with families.

11:08 SPEAKER_01: And when parents realize that shift, that mindset shift, that's when things start to get a little bit easier, a little bit more sustainable, and the transformation begins to happen.

11:22 SPEAKER_01: It starts to unfold, the foundations begin to be laid out.

What Helps And How To Get Support

11:26 SPEAKER_01: So in real life, what does this actually look like?

11:28 SPEAKER_01: I'm not going to sit here and give you a five-step burnout recovery plan.

11:33 SPEAKER_01: I could give you some ideas, but honestly, this is individualized family work.

11:39 SPEAKER_01: What I tell one family is not going to be what's right for the next one.

11:43 SPEAKER_01: So this isn't what this episode is all about.

11:46 SPEAKER_01: But three things that have mattered in my own experience and in my work alongside families is you name it to yourself out loud or to someone that you trust.

11:57 SPEAKER_01: I am burnt out.

11:58 SPEAKER_01: I am not tired.

11:59 SPEAKER_01: I am not stressed.

12:01 SPEAKER_01: Well, actually, you probably are those things, but you are burnt out.

12:05 SPEAKER_01: There is something that shifts when you stop managing how you describe your own experience.

12:10 SPEAKER_01: And yes, people might not understand.

12:12 SPEAKER_01: And that is a whole other mindset shift.

12:15 SPEAKER_01: But you can get there.

12:17 SPEAKER_01: We separate your needs from your child's and how you think about them.

12:21 SPEAKER_01: Both of your needs are real.

12:23 SPEAKER_01: Your needs matter, your child's needs matter, your nervous system matters, their nervous system matters.

12:29 SPEAKER_01: The rest of your children, if you have other children in the home, if you have a partner, if you have extended family, your friends, anyone who is a part of your day-to-day or your regular life or lifestyle, everyone's needs matter.

12:43 SPEAKER_01: They just matter in different ways.

12:45 SPEAKER_01: Meeting your own needs is not taking something away from your child.

12:49 SPEAKER_01: So if you needed some permission, I hope that you can really hear me when I say that.

12:55 SPEAKER_01: It's the thing that makes it possible to keep showing up for them.

12:57 SPEAKER_01: And I'm not talking about going to get a pedicure.

13:01 SPEAKER_01: That's not the self-care chat that we're having.

13:05 SPEAKER_01: Although, of course, if that helps and you want to go for gold.

13:09 SPEAKER_01: Do what you need to do to make yourself feel better.

13:12 SPEAKER_01: But what I'm talking about isn't just self-care, it is naming how you are, believing it for yourself, not disregarding it because of everything else that you hear around you.

13:26 SPEAKER_01: And doing this, not only does it support your child, but it is actually one of the things that make it possible for you to keep showing up and supporting them in the long run.

13:38 SPEAKER_01: And please find someone who actually gets it.

13:42 SPEAKER_01: Not someone that you have to explain PDA to over and over again to no avail.

13:47 SPEAKER_01: Someone who understands what your daily life actually involves and can hold that with you.

13:52 SPEAKER_01: That is what allows you to show up differently for your child.

13:55 SPEAKER_01: If you take nothing else from today, please take this.

13:59 SPEAKER_01: Your exhaustion is not evidence of failure.

14:02 SPEAKER_01: It's evidence of love sustained over a very long time, under very hard conditions with not enough support.

14:08 SPEAKER_01: You are not failing, you are running on empty, maybe some fumes, but it's pretty much at empty.

14:16 SPEAKER_01: And that's a very different thing than failing.

14:18 SPEAKER_01: The fact that you're here, still looking, still learning, that's enough for today.

14:22 SPEAKER_01: Take care of yourself and stick around for the next episode where we look at when your PDA child becomes a young adult and everything that no one prepared you for that they definitely should have.

Key Takeaway And Listener Prompt

14:39 SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much for allowing me into your world today.

14:43 SPEAKER_00: Wherever you are around the globe, if you like what you've heard, I would be so grateful if you would click that subscribe button and comment below to tell me one thing.

14:52 SPEAKER_00: What support do you need?

14:54 SPEAKER_00: This helps me create episodes that truly impact our shared community.

14:59 SPEAKER_00: By commenting, you not only help yourself, but you help make modern neurodiversity affirming autism support accessible to those who are searching for a better parenting approach that actually feels good.

15:12 SPEAKER_00: I'm Chantel, and I'll see you next week.