The Story You're Telling Yourself About Your PDA Child (and How to Change It)
About this episode
What if one of the hardest parts of parenting your PDA child isn't just what they're struggling with, but the story you're telling yourself about what it means for their future?
When you're parenting an autistic or PDA child, it's easy to get caught in thoughts like, "He's going to be anxious forever," or "It's always going to be this hard." And jeez, when you're already exhausted, those thoughts can feel incredibly heavy.
But what if you could change the story without pretending the challenges aren't real?
In this episode of the Attuned Spectrum podcast, I'm sharing a mindset shift I use in my own parenting to catch the thoughts that keep me stuck and replace them with something more supportive, honest, and helpful.
I'll share how I reframed my own fears about my son's anxiety, why it's so important to recognise your child's strengths alongside their struggles, and one simple way to start believing your new story by noticing the evidence that things are changing.
In this episode, you'll discover:
- How the stories you tell yourself about your PDA child can shape the way you approach parenting.
- Why reframing your thoughts doesn't mean dismissing your child's anxiety or the very real challenges your family faces.
- How to recognise the ways your child is learning to understand their needs and advocate for themselves.
- A practical tip for noticing progress when it's difficult to believe things can change.
And if you're feeling exhausted by the mental load of parenting a neurodivergent child, I've also linked my burnout webinar below. You deserve support, too.
Before you go, ask yourself: What's the story I keep telling myself about what's hard, and what could I tell myself instead?
Resources
My FREE upcoming PDA burnout webinar: https://www.chantalhewitt.com/burnout
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:00:00</time>
<p>One of the hardest parts of parenting a PDA kid isn't necessarily the behavior, but it is that story that you keep telling yourself about it.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:00:09</time>
<p>Today, I want to help you identify, catch, and throw yours away and then replace it with something different and actually helpful that will be supportive in your parenting journey with your child.</p>
<cite>Speaker B</cite>
<time>00:00:25</time>
<p>Welcome to the Attuned Spectrum podcast.</p>
<cite>Speaker B</cite>
<time>00:00:27</time>
<p>I'm Chantal Hewitt and an Audihd mom, experienced educator, and autism support coach who understands your path because I also walk it daily.</p>
<cite>Speaker B</cite>
<time>00:00:37</time>
<p>This is your space for real conversations that empower your autistic child, yourself and your family to thrive here.</p>
<cite>Speaker B</cite>
<time>00:00:44</time>
<p>We respect neurodiversity, cheer on advocacy, and leave judgment at the door.</p>
<cite>Speaker B</cite>
<time>00:00:50</time>
<p>Join me inside this week's episode.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:00:58</time>
<p>Okay.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:00:58</time>
<p>Can you ask yourself, what is the story that you repeat about what is hard, what is challenging?</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:01:05</time>
<p>I'll give you an example of what my stories are that I repeat that I really try to replace with something helpful.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:01:12</time>
<p>So this will be a shorter, hopefully a practical episode for you, and I hope that it resonates with wherever you're at.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:01:18</time>
<p>So the story that I used to tell myself is, he's going to be anxious forever.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:01:23</time>
<p>He's going to be panicky, he's going to need so many supports.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:01:28</time>
<p>But actually what I need to do in this example is I need to change this story because right away, when I say he's going to be anxious forever, I do it with, like, heavy sigh.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:01:40</time>
<p>Like, I'm so disappointed.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:01:41</time>
<p>Not disappointed.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:01:42</time>
<p>I'm so, I'm so sad.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:01:45</time>
<p>And I am like, I mean, you're allowed to be sad that you trialed me have anxiety.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:01:49</time>
<p>But I think the difference is that the intention of where that thought comes from.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:01:54</time>
<p>So when I would say he's going to be so anxious, he's going to be just always overwhelmed, then I actually switched it to looking at that intention of what does that anxiety mean, what does it come from?</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:02:09</time>
<p>And how am I perceiving that?</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:02:11</time>
<p>So in my example of he'll be anxious, I, in my head have this young boy just freaking out all the time and I kind of go, gosh, how is he going to make friendships?</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:02:23</time>
<p>Sounds so awful to say.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:02:24</time>
<p>But if that is how he's freaking out or how he's communicating, and I know a lot of us have those fears, but in reality, what I have done is I've switched that story because, yes, my child will be anxious.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:02:34</time>
<p>I have anxiety as well.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:02:35</time>
<p>And I'm, you know, I make friends, I have relationships and friendships, and so does my son.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:02:41</time>
<p>It's because it challenges the way that I thought he was going to be or how he would show up.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:02:47</time>
<p>And I'm not looking at it about the strengths that he's going to have as he supports his anxiety as he develops, or the strength that I have and my husband have to support him in his anxiety as he develops as well to advocate for himself.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:03:03</time>
<p>So instead of going, he's going to be anxious forever, and me feeling uncomfortable by that, I now switch it to, yeah, my child is anxious.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:03:12</time>
<p>He's wired differently.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:03:14</time>
<p>So am I. I have supports.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:03:16</time>
<p>We support him.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:03:18</time>
<p>He's starting to advocate for himself.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:03:20</time>
<p>And a little tip here is that if you struggle to believe the new story that you're trying to tell yourself every time you find evidence of it.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:03:30</time>
<p>So, for example, if we use this one, if I'm going, oh, he's just wired differently, and he's actually learning to say what he needs that supports his own anxiety response.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:03:41</time>
<p>So, for example, if he doesn't like getting wet, he might actually say, I'm gonna bring my own change of clothes.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:03:47</time>
<p>So if I do get wet, you know, at the.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:03:50</time>
<p>Wherever they are at the beach, then I can change and I can feel comfortable because I know that'll help his anxiety, and so does he.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:03:56</time>
<p>So when a moment like that happens, I just take note of it, usually in my head, because I'm not carrying around something to write down.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:04:03</time>
<p>But when I do, I find it really helpful to then look back and at that proof that evidence that things are changing, that my story, my new story, the one that's actually helpful, is true.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:04:15</time>
<p>Because it all comes down to our outlook and our mindset.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:04:18</time>
<p>We will have an anxious child because they are autistic in a world that doesn't support them.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:04:23</time>
<p>But how we support that anxious behavior within them, how we support them to know themselves and advocate that actually will change based on how we approach the situation and how we think about it.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:04:36</time>
<p>Just a couple little practical reminders here as well, something that I love to reflect on, especially in those times where I go, my gosh, like, it's just so hard.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:04:45</time>
<p>Like, why?</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:04:47</time>
<p>Why me?</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:04:48</time>
<p>Why couldn't it be like my friend and her three kids who are just little butterflies floating around and no one yells and no one's dysregulated and everyone sits and colors and you're allowed to tell them things.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:05:02</time>
<p>Think about that.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:05:03</time>
<p>And then that's when I catch myself doing that.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:05:06</time>
<p>I also go, wait, there was a reason you were meant to have this challenge from whatever power that anyone believes in.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:05:14</time>
<p>We'll get into that on the show.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:05:16</time>
<p>But I strongly believe that my children are neurodivergent, as am I.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:05:21</time>
<p>But I believe that they were meant to go through this so I could actually give them the best parenting possible.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:05:26</time>
<p>And I actually think like, wow, so lucky.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:05:29</time>
<p>Like I feel so lucky.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:05:31</time>
<p>They're actually getting such intentional and connected and tuned parenting.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:05:36</time>
<p>Not saying other people aren't or neurotypical kids aren't getting that, but if you actually think about it, the amount of energy and brain space and just overwhelm that we have to do or that consumes us as we parent pda, autistic ADHD kids, it actually makes us be so intentional in what we say and what we do and how we support them.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:06:00</time>
<p>And for that I just feel like really lucky and I feel like going back to that story.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:06:05</time>
<p>Even though our kids are anxious, they might be anxious, they have massive backing from really intentional parents who have been forced to frick.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:06:16</time>
<p>Some of them even like giving up their jobs.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:06:18</time>
<p>I know I had to quit my job.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:06:20</time>
<p>I couldn't do the career that I was in.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:06:22</time>
<p>Found a really cool new one.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:06:24</time>
<p>But yeah, it's the catch 22.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:06:28</time>
<p>It's exhausting that we have to try so hard.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:06:30</time>
<p>But also that silver lining that I like to think about is that yes, this experience of parenting my PDA kids while being PDA myself and figuring all of this out in a world that isn't created for us in mind, yes, it's a disability.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:06:51</time>
<p>Yes, there's challenges.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:06:53</time>
<p>But also I am so grateful that my children get to experience such love, care and attunement that other children maybe actually would get brushed aside because they are more compliant on the surface.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:07:07</time>
<p>So yes, we have to work harder, but they keep us on our toes.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:07:10</time>
<p>And that is the positive spin that I am telling myself so to end.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:07:15</time>
<p>I will ask you to reframe this for yourself.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:07:18</time>
<p>What is that story that you tell yourself on repeat about what is hard in your life with your parenting of your child?</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:07:26</time>
<p>Could be something else as well.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:07:27</time>
<p>If you find that this exercise works for that.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:07:30</time>
<p>And what is the story that you can tell yourself instead?</p>
<cite>Speaker B</cite>
<time>00:07:39</time>
<p>Thank you so much for allowing me into your world today.</p>
<cite>Speaker B</cite>
<time>00:07:42</time>
<p>Wherever you are around the globe, if you like what you've heard, I would be so grateful if you would click that subscribe button and comment below to tell me one thing.</p>
<cite>Speaker B</cite>
<time>00:07:51</time>
<p>What support do you need?</p>
<cite>Speaker B</cite>
<time>00:07:54</time>
<p>This helps me create episodes that truly impact our shared community.</p>
<cite>Speaker B</cite>
<time>00:07:59</time>
<p>By commenting, you not only help yourself, but you help make modern neurodiversity affirming autism support accessible to those who are searching for a better parenting approach.</p>
<cite>Speaker B</cite>
<time>00:08:09</time>
<p>That actually feels good.</p>
<cite>Speaker B</cite>
<time>00:08:12</time>
<p>I'm Chantal, and I'll see you next week.</p>
Apple Podcasts
Castbox
Castro
Goodpods
Moon FM
Overcast
Pocket Casts
Podbean
Podcast Addict
Podcast Republic
Spotify