You Aren't Alone: A Mother's Story To Understanding Pathological Demand Avoidance

1 00:00:28,523 --> 00:00:33,165 Like you've tried everything and nothing works, this one is for you. 2 00:00:33,165 --> 00:00:35,209 You are in exactly the right place. 3 00:01:10,921 --> 00:01:12,052 I'd like start with part one. 4 00:01:12,052 --> 00:01:14,274 This is before I had the language. 5 00:01:14,274 --> 00:01:16,216 We were first time parents. 6 00:01:16,216 --> 00:01:17,707 This was our first child. 7 00:01:17,707 --> 00:01:24,423 As you do with your first child, you are so engaged and all consumed by everything that they do. 8 00:01:24,423 --> 00:01:33,632 And you second guess a lot of things and you may be a little bit anxious and you just try to make sense of what's in front of you and do the right thing for your child. 9 00:01:33,632 --> 00:01:35,463 There was something different and 10 00:01:35,463 --> 00:01:39,945 Even though I worked with children for over 10 years already, I just I couldn't pinpoint it. 11 00:01:39,945 --> 00:01:47,880 And it was really hard because my son's language development from about 15, 16, 17 months was phenomenal. 12 00:01:47,880 --> 00:01:53,489 And I think you don't actually hear the opposite of what happens in child development. 13 00:01:53,489 --> 00:01:57,914 They talk about what you should be noticing if they are lacking. 14 00:01:57,914 --> 00:01:59,067 certain amount of words, 15 00:01:59,067 --> 00:02:06,833 but they don't really talk about what happens if they have an incredible amount of language and clarity, for example, from such an early age. 16 00:02:06,833 --> 00:02:09,246 And that's what we were experiencing with our child. 17 00:02:09,246 --> 00:02:14,873 And because that wasn't really a red flag to pediatricians, doctors, our families, 18 00:02:14,873 --> 00:02:17,386 We just assumed that all was okay. 19 00:02:17,386 --> 00:02:19,168 And then the meltdowns happened. 20 00:02:19,168 --> 00:02:28,797 And I'm talking such intense meltdowns that over the years, over our boys' young years, turned to panic attacks and panic episodes three to four hours long a day. 21 00:02:28,797 --> 00:02:35,984 And as you watch your child go through that, it is hard and it is exhausting. 22 00:02:35,984 --> 00:02:39,528 And you're just trying to do the absolute best for them. 23 00:02:39,528 --> 00:02:44,237 without actually having a roadmap of what that is, which probably was the hardest part. 24 00:02:44,237 --> 00:02:56,791 I think for us around two or just before two we noticed sensory differences to the point where we were Googling sensory processing disorder and we were Googling. 25 00:03:07,056 --> 00:03:16,176 And also knowing that he was a boy and generally speaking, boys energy can be a little bit more as they say or as they've told us or as the books told us. 26 00:03:16,176 --> 00:03:28,586 Something that I remember that we couldn't pinpoint what was causing this behavior in my son or this reaction in my son, what he was communicating, because he had such great 27 00:03:28,586 --> 00:03:39,426 language, like he could say massive sentences and really express himself from such a young age that when we were trying to make sense of his sensory experiences, it became really 28 00:03:39,426 --> 00:03:40,557 challenging. 29 00:03:57,794 --> 00:04:00,815 But yeah, for the longest time we were going, what does this mean? 30 00:04:00,815 --> 00:04:05,698 Even when we were being quiet or even if we were whispering in a different room, he would lose his mind. 31 00:04:05,698 --> 00:04:10,040 And it wasn't just, hey, I'm mad and I'm going to yell. 32 00:04:10,040 --> 00:04:15,374 was, I'm going to, this is going to send me into a full blown meltdown for hours on end. 33 00:04:15,374 --> 00:04:16,786 And we just had to ride the wave. 34 00:04:16,786 --> 00:04:21,611 And now looking back, so it did take us a few years until we realized PDA. 35 00:04:21,611 --> 00:04:22,934 and learned more about PDA. 36 00:04:22,934 --> 00:04:25,789 And that kind of kickstarted the whole journey for us. 37 00:04:25,789 --> 00:04:35,734 The biggest thing that stood out to me when I was Googling PDA and I developing my own expertise in that area as I was working with lot of autistic ADHD neurodivergent children 38 00:04:35,734 --> 00:04:50,784 and supporting their families in education, it was this demand avoidance, but that led to panic or that led to running away or that led to aggression that was so not typical for 39 00:04:50,784 --> 00:04:51,505 the child. 40 00:04:51,505 --> 00:04:53,097 unless they were dysregulated. 41 00:04:53,097 --> 00:04:57,972 And I started piecing together so many experiences that our son was having 42 00:04:57,972 --> 00:05:03,749 and how everything within the day was a demand, whether it was intentional or not, it was a demand. 43 00:05:03,749 --> 00:05:12,932 And once we realized, hey, we think this could be PDA, because we were at Wits End, my husband and I, was really, really hard. 44 00:05:12,932 --> 00:05:23,571 we understood PDA, when we understood equalizing behavior, when we understood that this was a nervous system difference, a nervous system shift happening when his autonomy was 45 00:05:23,571 --> 00:05:26,084 compromised or when he didn't have control. 46 00:05:26,084 --> 00:05:28,058 that yeah that that was the big one. 47 00:05:28,058 --> 00:05:42,413 One of the things was the monopolizing of play and specific to our PDA boy and I know there's this shared characteristic among a lot of PDA children is that there is a want or 48 00:05:42,413 --> 00:05:46,117 a need to socialize or to have friendships. 49 00:05:46,117 --> 00:05:48,521 It doesn't mean that they are not 50 00:05:48,521 --> 00:05:52,154 more introverted or that they have different communication styles. 51 00:05:52,154 --> 00:05:55,466 A lot of PDA children do fall within the autism spectrum. 52 00:05:55,466 --> 00:05:57,168 The research is still coming out there. 53 00:05:57,168 --> 00:05:59,140 However, that is quite a common. 54 00:05:59,140 --> 00:05:59,912 overlap. 55 00:05:59,912 --> 00:06:11,057 And if you do actually want more details on that, head on over to episode 24 with PDA North America, where they actually unpack this in detail with their PDA experience report, 56 00:06:11,057 --> 00:06:15,353 So, yes, please head on there if you are interested in that topic specifically. 57 00:06:15,353 --> 00:06:16,636 but here for this. 58 00:06:16,636 --> 00:06:28,557 monopolizing play, the needing to be in control or panic happened, the rigidity, absolute rigidity, which is an autistic trait and a part of my son's neurotype as well. 59 00:06:28,557 --> 00:06:34,062 But it wasn't just that if the routines were in place it was okay for him. 60 00:06:34,062 --> 00:06:41,159 It wasn't that like a lot of other autism strategies that are helpful if there's a visual schedule in place, predictability, 61 00:06:41,159 --> 00:06:52,901 then that rigidity, that need for sameness is supported and that predictability is supported because what we noticed was my son was still really dysregulated if he didn't 62 00:06:52,901 --> 00:06:58,366 come up with the schedule himself or if it wasn't something that he was so invested in. 63 00:06:58,366 --> 00:07:07,686 Novelty as well, we noticed that that novelty, that dopamine hit really was an indicator for us that, hey, this works. 64 00:07:07,686 --> 00:07:10,391 if we switch things up, he's really into it. 65 00:07:10,391 --> 00:07:14,648 But then the novelty wears off really quick, which is another PDA trait. 66 00:07:14,648 --> 00:07:24,497 And the one that I will always remember where everything clicked was the, and I'm quoting here, but like the social strategies or getting out of things. 67 00:07:24,497 --> 00:07:35,166 Because he would tell such elaborate stories and be so into a story that he told to avoid something so simple or what we thought was so simple. 68 00:07:35,166 --> 00:07:38,610 So if we said, Hey, let's go grab our shoes. 69 00:07:38,610 --> 00:07:39,500 It would be. 70 00:07:39,500 --> 00:07:45,192 30 minutes of what someone might call excuses, but it just didn't make sense. 71 00:07:45,192 --> 00:07:52,356 And then the other one was, I had read a lot of PDA children, they will say, my limbs don't work. 72 00:07:52,356 --> 00:07:54,037 So my arms are broken. 73 00:07:54,037 --> 00:07:56,099 My feet are glued to the floor. 74 00:07:56,099 --> 00:08:01,011 My leg just snapped and therefore I can't do what you're asking me. 75 00:08:01,011 --> 00:08:02,382 So it was really elaborate. 76 00:08:02,382 --> 00:08:04,043 It was how he was able to 77 00:08:04,043 --> 00:08:10,872 quote unquote, get out of something, but that something was actually the demand that was causing his anxiety and his overwhelm. 78 00:08:10,872 --> 00:08:14,815 So once we piece that together, that's when PDA became so paramount. 79 00:08:14,815 --> 00:08:25,619 And funny enough, even though we had autism in our mind, PDA was probably more at the forefront, which happens with a lot of autistic children who are PDA, because... 80 00:08:25,619 --> 00:08:37,086 the differences that are seen in their communication, their ability to mask or their need or want to mask to fit in is sometimes really like that much higher than a non-PDA child. 81 00:08:37,086 --> 00:08:42,630 So it's almost like PDA got in the way of us fighting for his autism diagnosis. 82 00:08:42,630 --> 00:08:48,594 And even to this day, when we tell people that our son's autistic, let alone most of our family, they're shocked. 83 00:08:48,594 --> 00:08:50,556 because what they see is the mask. 84 00:08:50,556 --> 00:08:54,590 They see a child forcing themselves. 85 00:08:54,590 --> 00:08:59,676 And this isn't something that, you know, we encourage or that we're proud of, but this is that power of the mask. 86 00:08:59,676 --> 00:09:11,286 And from such a young age, and I'm talking, this was three, four, even two, that he was masking and people pleasing and trying to comply and fit in to hide his natural 87 00:09:11,286 --> 00:09:12,337 tendencies. 88 00:09:12,337 --> 00:09:15,291 But then you could see it, which is very PDA as well. 89 00:09:15,291 --> 00:09:23,267 The second that they are with their co-regulator, which was me, it was full shutdown, full meltdown, explosion, that after school collapse. 90 00:09:23,267 --> 00:09:27,090 It was so intense and it lasted for hours and hours and hours. 91 00:09:27,090 --> 00:09:30,910 So that's the trajectory of how we realized PDA within our son. 92 00:09:30,910 --> 00:09:33,484 And I do want to mention the part about meltdowns. 93 00:09:33,484 --> 00:09:35,145 This wasn't just tantrums. 94 00:09:35,145 --> 00:09:38,791 And I even hate that word being a professional in the space. 95 00:09:38,791 --> 00:09:40,872 I don't believe that any child has a tantrum. 96 00:09:40,872 --> 00:09:50,922 I honestly believe that it's how they're communicating and that that is quite a negative way that we look at supporting a child's communication because even adults have tantrums 97 00:09:50,922 --> 00:09:53,305 quote unquote, if we really want to put it that way. 98 00:09:53,305 --> 00:09:54,967 It is really hard to self-regulate. 99 00:09:54,967 --> 00:09:59,746 and to communicate with other people when everyone has different ways of communicating. 100 00:10:19,368 --> 00:10:23,711 of how to help him and honestly how to help ourselves as parents. 101 00:10:23,711 --> 00:10:32,000 I think the second part that I want to speak to is, if it's relevant for those who are listening, is if you then have a second child, or wherever actually, however many children 102 00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:34,606 you have in our case, it was our first who's PDA 103 00:10:34,606 --> 00:10:45,826 But there's a new layer that gets added when it's not just the parents and the child, or if you're a single parent and the child who's neurodivergent, it is then integrating into 104 00:10:45,826 --> 00:10:47,077 more family systems. 105 00:10:47,077 --> 00:10:58,178 And what does that look like when there is a second child or a third child or an infant when your PDA child or your neurodivergent child is seeking autonomy or seeking control? 106 00:10:58,178 --> 00:11:04,396 or has behavior that is so troubling as a parent to watch or to manage. 107 00:11:04,396 --> 00:11:09,844 My second child was, I hate to say it, like hit in the face multiple times a day. 108 00:11:09,844 --> 00:11:17,472 And by multiple, I mean like double digits multiple for the first eight months, pretty much, of his life. 109 00:11:17,472 --> 00:11:23,967 And it was so confusing and so hard to understand why his brother was doing this. 110 00:11:23,967 --> 00:11:26,440 And that was another thing is just it just didn't make sense. 111 00:11:26,440 --> 00:11:32,946 Like the, the behavior that we were seeing in our young child at this age, he would have been about two to three. 112 00:11:32,946 --> 00:11:42,614 It was, it just wasn't goal oriented, which is normally that behavioral part that you see or that you hear of is that there's a reason. 113 00:11:42,614 --> 00:11:43,795 why they're doing something. 114 00:11:43,795 --> 00:11:48,789 But even he didn't know, and it was just so confusing because we didn't know when it was going to come. 115 00:11:48,789 --> 00:11:50,510 We tried to prevent it as much as possible. 116 00:11:50,510 --> 00:11:56,025 Then you actually feel like you're failing your poor second child or who, you know, in our case, second child, but it could be anybody. 117 00:11:56,025 --> 00:12:04,174 But yeah, how that fits in and how you support different neurotypes within your family, that is a whole other layer that... 118 00:12:04,174 --> 00:12:06,225 We have to factor in. 119 00:12:06,225 --> 00:12:15,927 So supporting you in your journey as a parent of a PDA child or a neurodivergent child, an autistic child, it is not one size fits all. 120 00:12:15,927 --> 00:12:22,998 It is not something you can read in a textbook and then fully apply to your life and your situation. 121 00:12:22,998 --> 00:12:26,355 Yes, some of it might be helpful, but in the moment... 122 00:12:26,355 --> 00:12:29,751 in reality, that textbook wasn't written about your family. 123 00:12:29,751 --> 00:12:33,394 That's why individualized support and care is so important. 124 00:12:33,394 --> 00:12:38,510 So around, yeah, when our child was about three, three and a bit, his teacher started noticing things too. 125 00:12:38,510 --> 00:12:41,122 Question PDA, struggles with toileting. 126 00:12:41,122 --> 00:12:45,456 We talked about interception and the awareness that may or may not be there for him. 127 00:12:45,456 --> 00:12:50,130 So around that time, just after three, as parents we started pushing for answers and... 128 00:12:50,130 --> 00:13:01,047 We were quite annoyed by the professionals speaking to our child or even if he wasn't speaking to them when we would describe his language, his vocabulary, his ability to 129 00:13:01,047 --> 00:13:08,022 understand numbers and problem solve in his head or physically like manipulating materials, they would brush us off. 130 00:13:08,022 --> 00:13:11,805 And that was so not validating for us. 131 00:13:11,805 --> 00:13:22,942 parents when you're doing everything you can to understand why the emotional needs of your child are being left behind by professionals who just don't understand but who should 132 00:13:22,942 --> 00:13:23,813 understand. 133 00:13:23,813 --> 00:13:25,035 That's a whole other topic. 134 00:13:25,035 --> 00:13:32,416 But every single professional, except for his teacher, I will say, but everyone would say, here is behavior support. 135 00:13:32,416 --> 00:13:34,258 Here's a behavior program. 136 00:13:34,258 --> 00:13:37,473 Have you tried motivating his behavior? 137 00:13:37,473 --> 00:13:38,433 Have you tried this? 138 00:13:38,433 --> 00:13:39,606 Have you tried that? 139 00:13:39,606 --> 00:13:40,376 Or even... 140 00:13:40,376 --> 00:13:43,640 He's not struggling academically, so we don't need to worry. 141 00:13:43,640 --> 00:13:55,663 But how awful to hear if you are a parent just barely managing to get through your day, that is the advice that you are met with of that's okay because he might be able to do 142 00:13:55,663 --> 00:13:56,795 math really well. 143 00:13:56,795 --> 00:13:59,898 Well, that's great, but what if he can't get into a classroom? 144 00:13:59,898 --> 00:14:03,173 What if he can't approach a teacher when he needs help? 145 00:14:03,173 --> 00:14:08,347 What if he can't express himself the way that he wants to, to appear to a friend? 146 00:14:08,347 --> 00:14:19,638 What if he wants friendships and doesn't really know how to make them because he lives in a world where neurotypical societal norms end up being the dominant reality for him? 147 00:14:19,638 --> 00:14:21,639 And those are the things that we fight for. 148 00:14:21,639 --> 00:14:24,392 And that is why we fought for an autism diagnosis. 149 00:14:24,392 --> 00:14:26,764 So for me, labels aren't a bad thing. 150 00:14:26,764 --> 00:14:28,636 They actually mean everything. 151 00:14:28,636 --> 00:14:30,908 because they offer him support. 152 00:14:30,908 --> 00:14:37,535 And I know speaking to that, there are a lot of families who struggle to get a label or get a diagnosis. 153 00:14:37,535 --> 00:14:40,148 So I'm really grateful that we were able to. 154 00:14:40,148 --> 00:14:50,689 But if you are in that space and you're thinking, gosh, a diagnosis isn't on the cards for us, it's not accessible, please know that you can still get support. 155 00:14:50,689 --> 00:14:54,163 even if you don't have whatever label. 156 00:14:54,163 --> 00:14:59,388 Trust yourself, trust how you know your child and you can still support them. 157 00:14:59,388 --> 00:15:03,509 So every single professional, everyone, here's the behavior program. 158 00:15:03,509 --> 00:15:04,801 Have you tried this? 159 00:15:04,801 --> 00:15:06,161 don't worry, it'll get better. 160 00:15:06,161 --> 00:15:17,237 Well, actually, no, it's not gonna get better if you're giving my PDA child, demand avoidant child who has a nervous system disability, an approach that significantly makes 161 00:15:17,237 --> 00:15:22,950 things worse and puts him at risk of feeling safe in his body and in his emotional well-being. 162 00:15:22,950 --> 00:15:25,651 So we just knew in our gut that that was not 163 00:15:25,651 --> 00:15:30,086 the right thing to do and that it was actively making things worse. 164 00:15:30,086 --> 00:15:33,578 And we just kept pulling and pulling at these things and trying them. 165 00:15:33,578 --> 00:15:41,695 And the only thing that worked was low demand parenting strategies and a complete overhaul of our parenting approach. 166 00:15:41,695 --> 00:15:51,512 I think what's probably most frustrating is that we work alongside professionals who we hope would have the answers and they don't a lot of the time. 167 00:15:51,512 --> 00:16:02,363 It is so hard to find PDA affirming, even neurodiversity affirming, like truly neurodiversity affirming professionals to support families who are asking for help. 168 00:16:02,363 --> 00:16:04,466 And that is not necessarily their fault. 169 00:16:04,466 --> 00:16:06,569 It is the system's fault. 170 00:16:06,569 --> 00:16:09,233 Our systems are really far behind. 171 00:16:09,233 --> 00:16:14,761 And unfortunately, we are navigating systems that aren't built for our children or built for our families. 172 00:16:14,761 --> 00:16:20,788 And just after our son turned four, we finally got his autism diagnosis and we had to go private, which was fine. 173 00:16:20,788 --> 00:16:27,752 But I remember the pediatrician looked at me and he almost said it like whispering. 174 00:16:27,752 --> 00:16:34,695 And he was like checking to see if I was OK, but I could just feel like tears coming. 175 00:16:34,695 --> 00:16:39,648 And he was like, I'm so sorry, you know, we can find a way. 176 00:16:39,759 --> 00:16:41,230 to manage your child. 177 00:16:41,230 --> 00:16:44,233 And I was like, no, I was like, that's not why I'm crying. 178 00:16:44,233 --> 00:16:54,134 I'm crying because even though no one else gets it, that's the validation that I have been searching for and that we need it. 179 00:16:54,134 --> 00:17:04,193 Because now we have, yes, it's a label, but we are, or I firmly believe and advocate that that label needs to be reshaped by the autistic community. 180 00:17:04,193 --> 00:17:05,676 needs to be strength-based. 181 00:17:05,676 --> 00:17:17,267 Autism isn't a deficit and I was so proud of our family for fighting for that and I still am and we talk about it with our children and they know what autism is because it's part 182 00:17:17,267 --> 00:17:17,948 of their brain. 183 00:17:17,948 --> 00:17:19,259 It's it is their brain. 184 00:17:19,259 --> 00:17:20,121 It's my brain. 185 00:17:20,121 --> 00:17:22,624 So yeah that was a big moment of validation. 186 00:17:22,624 --> 00:17:26,974 was only part of it because then PDA comes into play and even then they don't understand. 187 00:17:26,974 --> 00:17:31,469 But that validation is what made the biggest difference for me as a mum. 188 00:17:31,469 --> 00:17:38,092 And that is what I strive through my communities and through my coaching work to offer families. 189 00:17:38,092 --> 00:17:40,665 Because I can give you every strategy. 190 00:17:40,665 --> 00:17:50,487 I could point you in the direction of every low demand parenting book or low demand strategy or declarative language and run all the workshops, which I still do. 191 00:17:50,487 --> 00:17:51,202 But... 192 00:17:51,202 --> 00:18:03,576 The biggest change comes from what I've seen and what I've experienced and kind of collectively what our community has created together is not being isolated. 193 00:18:03,576 --> 00:18:12,426 Having people that you don't need to explain yourself to who just get it and who come together on a regular basis to be there for each other. 194 00:18:12,426 --> 00:18:19,381 whether that is a video call, whether that is just reading a message or whether it's just a like of a post. 195 00:18:19,381 --> 00:18:29,766 But that community that validation has made so many shifts in the parents that I support, even in myself, it continues to help lift me up and support me in my parenting. 196 00:18:29,766 --> 00:18:32,493 Yeah, after my son's diagnosis, then... 197 00:18:32,493 --> 00:18:33,364 there was mine. 198 00:18:33,364 --> 00:18:37,655 And I know a lot of parents realize their neurodivergence through their children. 199 00:18:37,655 --> 00:18:47,697 And it is a huge shift in thinking, a big journey to go on as a parent, as a person. 200 00:18:47,697 --> 00:18:57,668 And when you're a mother and you're dealing with all these hormones of your female or assigned female at birth and you have all of your hormones 201 00:18:57,668 --> 00:19:00,136 that shift and change throughout your life. 202 00:19:00,136 --> 00:19:04,014 And I will say this, that hormones are not an area at all of my expertise. 203 00:19:04,014 --> 00:19:09,086 I'm just speaking to my own experience with them and how I understand my intersecting neurodivergence. 204 00:19:09,086 --> 00:19:11,873 but when my third child was born. 205 00:19:11,873 --> 00:19:13,906 My executive functioning was gone. 206 00:19:13,906 --> 00:19:15,883 I was in the biggest burnout. 207 00:19:15,883 --> 00:19:25,346 Something that I've had repeated episodes of exhaustion over and over and over again, multiple times in my life, especially since having children and having those hormonal 208 00:19:25,346 --> 00:19:26,518 changes and shifts. 209 00:19:26,518 --> 00:19:30,680 But I reached my capacity and I couldn't function. 210 00:19:30,680 --> 00:19:33,271 And I was in educational leadership. 211 00:19:33,271 --> 00:19:34,432 I managed a team. 212 00:19:34,432 --> 00:19:40,081 I was go, go, go, go, which I now realize was my ADHD, my hyperactivity. 213 00:19:40,081 --> 00:19:42,492 And I couldn't sit still. 214 00:19:42,492 --> 00:19:43,722 My brain couldn't sit still. 215 00:19:43,722 --> 00:19:50,526 And I had this hyper fixation and this intense passion for learning as much as I could in my area of interests. 216 00:19:50,526 --> 00:19:55,578 came to the point where ADHD was so in my face and I'd never considered it before. 217 00:19:55,578 --> 00:20:03,654 I'd actually, funny enough, like in job interviews, you get that question of, what made you want to teach or what made you want to do what you want to do? 218 00:20:03,654 --> 00:20:07,646 And my answer, it was always like it wasn't something I ever had to script. 219 00:20:07,646 --> 00:20:08,947 It was always so genuine. 220 00:20:08,947 --> 00:20:14,009 now I realize that the reason why I have such passion for supporting 221 00:20:14,009 --> 00:20:23,375 the children that I do, the ones who have those "quote on quote" challenging behaviors or who are misunderstood or whether they're diagnosed or not, whether they're autistic, ADHD, 222 00:20:23,375 --> 00:20:26,298 PDA, if they're anxious, anything like that. 223 00:20:26,298 --> 00:20:31,090 Any child that doesn't fit the norm or that a parent is exhausted and struggling. 224 00:20:31,090 --> 00:20:36,615 Even when I wasn't a parent yet, I always just answered this question being like, I'm not sure. 225 00:20:36,615 --> 00:20:40,288 just, I always just feel connected to these children and I don't know why. 226 00:20:40,288 --> 00:20:46,260 and my diagnoses, diagnoses, they have given me an explanation of my why. 227 00:20:46,260 --> 00:20:52,692 It was because I was a missed neurodivergent child, no fault of my parents, know, different times. 228 00:20:52,692 --> 00:20:58,699 But I guess I was always trying to support children in a way that I felt I was never seen. 229 00:20:58,699 --> 00:21:03,706 And that is a big reason why I do as well the work that I do and why I advocate. 230 00:21:03,706 --> 00:21:08,029 Because if we don't know, then how are we meant to support our neurodivergent children? 231 00:21:08,029 --> 00:21:15,767 So my son's diagnosis, funny enough, led to me understanding myself differently, peeling back layers, peeling back a mask. 232 00:21:15,767 --> 00:21:23,584 And what first was an ADHD realization, I received my adult diagnosis at 34. 233 00:21:23,584 --> 00:21:25,657 And that was after my third child was born. 234 00:21:25,657 --> 00:21:32,654 And then once I tried medication, and that was a life-changing moment, by the way. 235 00:21:32,654 --> 00:21:33,796 absolutely life-changing. 236 00:21:33,796 --> 00:21:43,598 I was never someone who would be, I guess, open for whatever weird reason to accept medication, but I just came to a point where I couldn't function, I couldn't make my 237 00:21:43,598 --> 00:21:45,121 family dinner, I couldn't... 238 00:21:45,121 --> 00:21:54,642 I was just in paralysis on the couch, like I would just be running on adrenaline and it was just so different than burnout and I was sick of being told that I'm an overachiever. 239 00:21:54,642 --> 00:22:01,801 or that I have high expectations or that I'm too much and need to slow down because my brain was different and I just never realized it. 240 00:22:01,801 --> 00:22:09,123 So with my ADHD, my dopamine levels in my brain being supported through medication, 241 00:22:09,123 --> 00:22:12,955 my autistic traits became very loud and very apparent. 242 00:22:12,955 --> 00:22:25,882 So my mind was a bit quieter, but then I noticed a lot of sensory differences that I guess I'd always had, but I just pushed aside or used adrenaline to push myself through So funny 243 00:22:25,882 --> 00:22:30,308 enough, and which actually through research I've realized is really common, there is a big overlap there. 244 00:22:30,308 --> 00:22:32,954 or co-occurrence in ADHD and autism. 245 00:22:32,954 --> 00:22:40,737 But a lot of times for women, especially late diagnosed women, ADHD traits mask autistic traits. 246 00:22:40,737 --> 00:22:43,209 And that was so eye opening for me. 247 00:22:43,209 --> 00:22:49,581 So then I began to understand my autistic side and then connected on a different level with my son because I understood myself more. 248 00:22:49,581 --> 00:22:51,313 And then I realized PDA. 249 00:22:51,313 --> 00:22:57,857 And it's funny because you think of the word pathological demand avoidance and this might need a whole other episode in itself. 250 00:22:57,857 --> 00:23:07,832 to share that because it's still something that I think I carry some shame around, probably because of that terrible deficit language of pathological demand avoidance. 251 00:23:07,832 --> 00:23:19,815 Because when I think of it for me, it just, it sounds like I am bad or disrespectful or yeah, guess raging against systems and 252 00:23:19,915 --> 00:23:21,046 That's not what it is. 253 00:23:21,046 --> 00:23:25,380 PDA for me is like hitting a brick wall every single day. 254 00:23:25,380 --> 00:23:33,213 Despite wanting to do something, despite having the energy to do something, despite knowing that it's something I love doing. 255 00:23:33,213 --> 00:23:34,215 I just can't do it. 256 00:23:34,215 --> 00:23:41,339 And that is so hard to explain because it seems so counterintuitive to someone who wants to do something. 257 00:23:41,339 --> 00:23:44,841 But that's probably the simplest way that I can say it without 258 00:23:44,841 --> 00:23:46,294 possibly sounding quite silly. 259 00:23:46,294 --> 00:23:51,275 But I will say that understanding how my own need for autonomy and control. 260 00:23:51,275 --> 00:24:00,893 needs to be supported in my life, especially now that I've realized my executive functioning capacity or lack thereof and how to support my neurodivergence. 261 00:24:00,893 --> 00:24:04,204 Yeah, that understanding for myself as a parent has been life changing. 262 00:24:04,204 --> 00:24:11,049 And I know that if you're listening, you aren't necessarily neurodivergent, but you could be. 263 00:24:11,049 --> 00:24:13,430 And I don't say that because I'm telling you that you are. 264 00:24:13,430 --> 00:24:16,812 I'm saying it because if there was ever something in your head, 265 00:24:16,812 --> 00:24:27,348 that may be telling you that you are or that there are differences or you may be looking at the criteria as your child is going through diagnosis or assessment and you might be 266 00:24:27,348 --> 00:24:31,316 thinking, oh gosh, this is me or that sounds familiar. 267 00:24:31,316 --> 00:24:34,448 Maybe hold on to that because maybe you are. 268 00:24:34,448 --> 00:24:41,523 And I bring this back to everything that I teach within the community, within my coaching programs, whether that's one-on-one or group work. 269 00:24:41,523 --> 00:24:54,101 is if you are not okay as a parent, as a person in how you're regulated in your nervous system, everything, notoriously much harder for neurodivergent people, let alone women in 270 00:24:54,101 --> 00:25:03,210 motherhood who are struggling with hormonal shifts and differences there, please know that if you are struggling, a diagnosis or even support in that area or understanding a little 271 00:25:03,210 --> 00:25:04,417 bit more about yourself, 272 00:25:04,417 --> 00:25:12,507 could actually be life-changing for you, which means that that flow on, that carry-on effect will shift within your child and your family. 273 00:25:12,507 --> 00:25:17,380 So just a little note there if you want to consider that, if it resonates with you. 274 00:25:17,380 --> 00:25:22,359 So yeah, it may not be relevant, but that missing piece for me was my own neurodivergence. 275 00:25:22,359 --> 00:25:27,581 And once I had that piece of the puzzle, everything started to fit into place. 276 00:25:27,581 --> 00:25:35,844 And even if you aren't neurodivergent or you don't think that you are, how you come to show up for your child as their co-regulator, it matters. 277 00:25:35,844 --> 00:25:36,907 Are you regulated? 278 00:25:36,907 --> 00:25:38,604 How are you feeling in your emotions? 279 00:25:38,604 --> 00:25:40,257 Those things still matter. 280 00:25:40,632 --> 00:25:47,597 I do want to end with just saying that I'm not here showing up as someone who has figured this out just from the outside. 281 00:25:47,597 --> 00:26:00,047 There is that professional work there and I have training and I find it extremely helpful when I'm making sense of child development, psychology, also the gaps within our academic 282 00:26:00,047 --> 00:26:02,029 systems, but that's a story for a different day. 283 00:26:02,029 --> 00:26:11,797 But I have those trainings, those understandings, and I'm telling you that my biggest understanding has actually come because I am here showing up as someone who has lived 284 00:26:11,797 --> 00:26:22,192 this, who is still living it, and who's found a way through that's worked for our family and sharing that knowledge with other mothers or other co-regulators of their children. 285 00:26:22,192 --> 00:26:24,991 I've seen such amazing transformations. 286 00:26:24,991 --> 00:26:36,039 So this space, you're listening, if you're still listening after this whole longer episode, this space that I've created is for exhausted parents who are navigating, their 287 00:26:36,039 --> 00:26:47,144 neurodivergent children or neurodivergent families, mothers or caregivers who are done with strategies that just don't fit their child and in their body, in their bones, they 288 00:26:47,144 --> 00:26:47,995 know that. 289 00:26:47,995 --> 00:26:59,562 If you are here because you just want to be understood or feel validated, if you've been searching for someone who gets it, not just professionally, but personally as well, I hope 290 00:26:59,562 --> 00:27:04,865 that this feels like you've landed in the right place because you really don't have to keep doing this alone. 291 00:27:04,865 --> 00:27:16,638 If this episode resonated and you may be craving a moment of genuine calm or reflection, I recorded a short audio meditation just for parents, just for you to settle you in and 292 00:27:16,638 --> 00:27:21,772 ground you if you need a little bit of guidance in a hard moment. 293 00:27:21,772 --> 00:27:22,643 It is free. 294 00:27:22,643 --> 00:27:24,768 I will link it below in the show notes. 295 00:27:24,768 --> 00:27:27,634 I hope you download and I hope you listen. 296 00:27:27,634 --> 00:27:29,602 stick around for the next episode 297 00:27:29,602 --> 00:27:39,043 where I will be walking you through some of the biggest mindset shifts that I work with daily within the community, within the families that I work with. 298 00:27:39,043 --> 00:27:42,167 this is an episode that you will not want to skip.

You Aren't Alone: A Mother's Story To Understanding Pathological Demand Avoidance

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You Aren't Alone: A Mother's Story To Understanding Pathological Demand Avoidance

About this episode

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