PDA Parenting: What If Being Strong Makes It Worse?

The Problem With Staying Strong

0:00 SPEAKER_01: Can I say something that might feel a little uncomfortable?

0:02 SPEAKER_01: Staying strong for your kids, pushing through, holding it together, putting yourself last.

0:07 SPEAKER_01: That belief that feels so noble and something you've probably been told for quite some time you need to do as a mom or as a parent, it might actually be the thing that is making everything that much harder for you right now.

0:18 SPEAKER_01: Today, I want to talk about why and what I think needs to replace that mindset.

0:23 SPEAKER_01: And once you understand why it needs to be replaced, you may be surprised at how quickly things begin to shift within your home.

0:33 SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the Attuned Spectrum Podcast.

0:36 SPEAKER_00: I'm Chantelle Hewitt, an ADHD mum, experienced educator, and autism support coach who understands your path because I also walk it daily.

0:45 SPEAKER_00: This is your space for real conversations that empower your autistic child, yourself, and your family to thrive.

0:52 SPEAKER_00: Here, we respect neurodiversity, cheer on advocacy, and leave judgment at the door.

0:58 SPEAKER_00: Join me inside this week's episode.

Co-Regulation Explained With Science

1:06 SPEAKER_01: Co-regulation is a biological process.

1:09 SPEAKER_01: It is grounded in attachment theory and polybagel science, polybagel theory, which I will link if you're interested a little bit more details on below in the show notes.

1:19 SPEAKER_01: So this might be a bit of an informative episode as well.

1:23 SPEAKER_01: But please don't let that stop you from listening.

1:26 SPEAKER_01: Guarantee you you will learn something or take something meaningful away from this episode that will make change very quickly in how you co-regulate with your PDA child.

1:38 SPEAKER_01: From the time a person is born, baby's nervous systems, they are externally regulated.

1:45 SPEAKER_01: What this means is that they begin scanning their environment, who is their primary caregiver, they look to their nervous system in order to access safety.

1:54 SPEAKER_01: For that first year of life, the biggest things are who do they trust?

1:59 SPEAKER_01: How do they trust them?

2:00 SPEAKER_01: Who do they feel secure with?

2:02 SPEAKER_01: That is ingrained, it is wired in your child.

Attachment Myths In Neurodivergent Kids

2:06 SPEAKER_01: A lot of the research, unfortunately, has been on neurotypical children and anything that looks different.

2:11 SPEAKER_01: So perhaps if the research has been done on a neurodivergent child, it's almost come across in attachment theory and attachment research from the work that I've done in looking at that a child isn't attached.

2:22 SPEAKER_01: So I will say, for example, if you have been told that you don't have an attached child, but you know that your child is neurodivergent and you deeply know that they are attached to you and that you have a strong relationship, that they are securely attached, please trust that and don't listen to anyone who says differently, because a lot of the miscues that they speak of in attachment theory are actually things that were developed a lot prior to understanding what neurodivergent communication and interaction looked like.

2:50 SPEAKER_01: So if your child isn't looking you in the eye or isn't continuously showing you something or isn't continuously responding and hugging you, it could be because they have differences in how they communicate because they're neurodivergent and how they show their love and show their care does not mean that they aren't securely attached.

3:07 SPEAKER_01: So I just wanted to begin this episode by clarifying that and my stance on that before I get into attachment theory.

Your Child Keeps Scanning For Safety

3:13 SPEAKER_01: So when an infant or young child, when they scan their caregiver's nervous system to access that safety, and by the way, that scanning, that looking for felt safety and accessing trust and connection and attachment with the child's co-regulator, that doesn't stop once a child reaches one or reaches two.

3:33 SPEAKER_01: Young children and even older children and adults, we do feed off of the other person that we are with, with their nervous system.

3:41 SPEAKER_01: It's how we pick up cues, whether they are body cues, whether they are smoking cues.

3:48 SPEAKER_01: Process of co-regulation is biological.

3:50 SPEAKER_01: Humans aren't meant to be isolated and care for themselves without the support of another person.

3:56 SPEAKER_01: Doesn't mean that you can't be an independent person if you are not with somebody.

4:00 SPEAKER_01: That is not what I'm saying.

4:02 SPEAKER_01: But for a child in their healthy development that starts from when they're born, that starts from infancy, they are consistently scanning as they create these neural pathways in their brain that confirm to them or deny that somebody is there for them, that they have an attached relationship with their primary caregiver.

4:21 SPEAKER_01: Doesn't necessarily need to be mom.

4:23 SPEAKER_01: I know that that is not how all families are.

4:25 SPEAKER_01: I do reference that a lot.

4:26 SPEAKER_01: That is because a lot of the co-regulators, the parents that I work with, they are mothers.

4:30 SPEAKER_01: However, you don't need to be a mother to be the primary caregiver, to be in that diad, that two-person relationship, that really important bond with your child.

4:38 SPEAKER_01: That co-regulation, it is biological.

4:41 SPEAKER_01: So your child's nervous system constantly scanning yours to decide whether the world is safe, whether a situation that they are in currently is safe.

4:50 SPEAKER_01: That is not just a metaphor.

4:51 SPEAKER_01: It is actually how the nervous system works.

PDA Threat Response And Nervous System Load

4:54 SPEAKER_01: And for children who are PDA, pathologically demand avoidant, who already have a nervous system disability.

5:00 SPEAKER_01: So a nervous system that is often in a chronic state of threat.

5:04 SPEAKER_01: So they often have this threat response that, as you know, if you're listening, is set off or is triggered or is affected greatly by the amount of autonomy that they have, the amount of control, the amount of pressure or demand or nervous system load, whether that is in one time, one moment, or end as well as an accumulation over time, whether it's the day before, the weeks before, the months before, sometimes even years, especially if somebody is in autistic burnout or PDA burnout.

5:36 SPEAKER_01: So if we look at this from your nervous system, which we talked about in the last episode.

5:40 SPEAKER_01: So if you are interested, head on over to the episode prior to this.

5:44 SPEAKER_01: In that episode, we actually looked at how you need to be okay.

5:49 SPEAKER_01: So if you need some support there, please jump on back and then come back to this episode.

You Cannot Hide Dysregulation

5:54 SPEAKER_01: Okay.

5:54 SPEAKER_01: So when you're dysregulated, even if you are holding it together on the outside, even if you are the best actor and you feel like no one can tell, a lot of the times you're actually not that great of an actor when it comes to nervous systems.

6:07 SPEAKER_01: And your child, especially if they are PDA, they most likely have an increased sensitivity to how to pick up to the environment around them.

6:17 SPEAKER_01: So even if you're holding it together on the outside and you're trying to remain calm and co-regulate well for your child, their nervous system most likely will read that and you may not be able to hide it from them.

6:28 SPEAKER_01: And that dysregulated nervous system cannot regulate another dysregulated nervous system.

6:33 SPEAKER_01: That is not you failing, personally as a parent.

6:36 SPEAKER_01: That is, again, that is the science behind what is happening.

6:39 SPEAKER_01: As the parent, we do need to make sure that we, as much as possible, may not happen all the time in practice, but if our awareness is there, if we can actually say stop, like to ourselves, I'll say, stop, Chantel, you are not in a regulated state to support your dysregulated child.

6:57 SPEAKER_01: It's a big sentence to say when I'm about to yell.

7:00 SPEAKER_01: So it's not something that happens all of the time correctly, but it is a practice.

7:05 SPEAKER_01: And understanding how to regulate myself and what happens when I become dysregulated, that awareness just in itself shifting from that and going, hey, you know what?

7:16 SPEAKER_01: Unless my child is about to get hit by a car or they are in a lot of distress, it is not worth me going in and escalating the situation further.

7:26 SPEAKER_01: It is actually more beneficial for me to take a minute and calm my body down so I can go and be that co-regulator that my child needs and to meet his dysregulated nervous system with a nervous system that he can begin to feed off of and that will calm him down.

7:43 SPEAKER_01: This will look different, child to child, parent to parent, dyad to dyad.

Less Talking During Meltdowns

7:47 SPEAKER_01: So there's two people coming together: the child and the parent, the child and the main co-regulator.

7:52 SPEAKER_01: In the last episode, I I touched on why, and we've got this need, this obsession, even because we are part of this information technology world.

8:02 SPEAKER_01: Everything is so accessible to us.

8:03 SPEAKER_01: If we need to know something, we can find out in seconds, literally seconds.

8:07 SPEAKER_01: And we don't have to wait.

8:09 SPEAKER_01: And everything is right there.

8:11 SPEAKER_01: And I think that's what makes these shifts as parents so much harder because the information is there, right?

8:17 SPEAKER_01: We can order a book and get it.

8:19 SPEAKER_01: We can read an article online and get it.

8:22 SPEAKER_01: We can ask a question to Google and AI spits it out for us really, really quick.

8:27 SPEAKER_01: And it's awesome.

8:28 SPEAKER_01: So we are not in an information problem right now.

8:32 SPEAKER_01: It's not that you don't know what's happening a lot of the time.

8:35 SPEAKER_01: I think the problem, or what I've realized the problem was for myself that has made the biggest difference now that I have addressed it and worked to sustain it over the past couple of years, and what I see shifting and transforming in the families that I work with, these co-regulators of their children, they have all the information in the world.

8:52 SPEAKER_01: They have all the want to support their child.

8:54 SPEAKER_01: It is just the energy is going in the wrong places.

8:59 SPEAKER_01: Last episode, when we talked about the fact that we collect way too many strategies and actually we need to look inwards at ourselves, that's what we're getting at here too.

9:07 SPEAKER_01: So, yes, the strategies are important.

9:09 SPEAKER_01: Being strong, being strong for our children, yeah, that's important to an extent.

9:14 SPEAKER_01: That strength will get us through.

9:15 SPEAKER_01: So our children, they're wired to read us, which means that our nervous system needs to come first.

9:20 SPEAKER_01: If we are lying to ourselves by pushing through every single day in exhaustion, holding it together, being strong, that will take its toll.

Self-Care As A Parenting Foundation

9:28 SPEAKER_01: Our children are wired to read us.

9:31 SPEAKER_01: That is attachment, which means that our state actually matters more than the words and the strategies a lot of the time.

9:37 SPEAKER_01: And to put this in an example, my biggest secret in my relationship with my son is actually to stop talking when he's in meltdown and to sit with him.

9:47 SPEAKER_01: It is being present.

9:48 SPEAKER_01: I often have to tell myself or remind myself to not say anything because it escalates him.

9:54 SPEAKER_01: It's a demand.

9:55 SPEAKER_01: He's not in a thinking brain.

9:57 SPEAKER_01: And in that time, I'm able to regulate.

10:00 SPEAKER_01: That is a huge strategy that has really helped me.

10:02 SPEAKER_01: And I've seen help other people as well.

10:04 SPEAKER_01: Not saying that your child will need that exact strategy or that it will work, but if you haven't tried it, perhaps all the talking, all the strategies, all the scripting is becoming too much in the moments of dysregulation.

10:16 SPEAKER_01: So when we quote unquote stay strong, that often means that we are suppressing our own distress and masking, which costs enormous energy and is not sustainable.

10:27 SPEAKER_01: Like I will tell you, it is not sustainable.

10:30 SPEAKER_01: That pushing through at all costs, doing everything, being so go, go, go, trying to hold it all together in our brains to support our dysregulated child, we make things so much harder.

10:42 SPEAKER_01: The solution is actually a lot simpler.

10:45 SPEAKER_01: It comes back to you.

10:46 SPEAKER_01: Your nervous system is not a liability when we are talking about this.

10:50 SPEAKER_01: It is the intervention.

10:51 SPEAKER_01: When you are regulated, when you are present, when you feel safe, your child and their nervous system, they get that signal that it is okay to come down to your level.

11:00 SPEAKER_01: That is more powerful than any script or any strategy.

11:04 SPEAKER_01: Caring for yourself isn't indulgent.

11:06 SPEAKER_01: And even if you do have indulgent self-care routines, good on you.

11:10 SPEAKER_01: I'm a little bit jealous.

11:12 SPEAKER_01: Maybe I'll get there.

11:12 SPEAKER_01: But that is the most direct thing that you can do for your child.

11:15 SPEAKER_01: Doesn't cost money, but it does cost time.

11:17 SPEAKER_01: So the shift is: can we move from I need to hold it all together to I need to be regulated enough to be present?

11:27 SPEAKER_01: And this week, could you think of one moment a day that is genuinely restorative for your nervous system that you could incorporate into your routine, into your day, even if it is two minutes?

11:39 SPEAKER_01: I know it is hard to find time, but I promise if you are able to switch your thought pattern from I need to be strong to support my child, I need to push through, I need to do all of the things, I can think about me next, I can think about me last.

11:54 SPEAKER_01: I don't matter.

11:54 SPEAKER_01: That isn't sustainable.

11:56 SPEAKER_01: Could you instead look at your self-care in your nervous system being restored and healthy and stable?

12:05 SPEAKER_01: Is that a foundation that you can work towards?

12:07 SPEAKER_01: Because that will make all of the difference.

12:10 SPEAKER_01: And if you're listening to this and you're thinking that might be my missing piece, but it seems so far away, I'm here to tell you that it's not.

12:16 SPEAKER_01: It's actually so much closer than you think.

Communities And Listener Support Prompt

12:19 SPEAKER_01: I have my communities linked below in the show notes.

12:22 SPEAKER_01: There's a few options there to choose from.

12:24 SPEAKER_01: Head on over, come inside, and let's start making some positive and sustainable change for you, your child, and your family.

12:35 SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much for allowing me into your world today.

12:38 SPEAKER_00: Wherever you are around the globe, if you like what you've heard, I would be so grateful if you would click that subscribe button and comment below to tell me one thing.

12:48 SPEAKER_00: What support do you need?

12:50 SPEAKER_00: This helps me create episodes that truly impact our shared community.

12:55 SPEAKER_00: By commenting, you not only help yourself, but you help make modern neurodiversity affirming autism support accessible to those who are searching for a better parenting approach that actually feels good.

13:08 SPEAKER_00: I'm Chantel, and I'll see you next week.