3 Things Stopping Your PDA Child's Burnout Recovery (and what you must do instead)

<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:00:00</time>
<p>Hey, quick pause here because I want to tell you about something pretty exciting.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:00:05</time>
<p>I'm running a free webinar.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:00:07</time>
<p>If you've tried all of those rewards charts being consistent those low demand parenting strategies that everyone else swears by, but you just cannot figure out what you are doing that isn't working with your PDA child, then this is for you.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:00:24</time>
<p>And because I'm not going to hand you more of what you've already tried that hasn't worked, I want you to grab your space to this training.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:00:34</time>
<p>I'm going live on Tuesday, September 22, 2026 midday 12pm New Zealand time.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:00:42</time>
<p>You will need to see what time that is in your time zone.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:00:45</time>
<p>Head on over to chantellehewitt.com burnout to grab your spot in the webinar.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:00:53</time>
<p>This will be an amazing opportunity to ask me questions live at the end of the training and I confident that those who attend or who watch the replay will leave with so much more knowledge and a game plan of what to actually do to support the PDA child, teen or young adult in your life out of burnout and just create space for you to finally breathe again and start to enjoy parenting again.</p>
<cite>Speaker B</cite>
<time>00:01:28</time>
<p>Welcome to the Attuned Spectrum Podcast.</p>
<cite>Speaker B</cite>
<time>00:01:31</time>
<p>I'm Chantal Hewitt, an Audihd mom, experienced educator and autism support coach who understands your path because I also walk it daily.</p>
<cite>Speaker B</cite>
<time>00:01:40</time>
<p>This is your space for real conversations that empower your autistic child, yourself and your family to thrive here.</p>
<cite>Speaker B</cite>
<time>00:01:48</time>
<p>We respect neurodiversity, cheer on advocacy and leave judgment at the door.</p>
<cite>Speaker B</cite>
<time>00:01:53</time>
<p>Join me inside this week's episode.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:02:03</time>
<p>Before we get into anything today, I need to stop you for a second because I think that if you're listening that you are in survival mode.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:02:12</time>
<p>And I think that you may have been there for a little while.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:02:14</time>
<p>I'm not talking about a bad week or a bad few days or a bad night's sleep.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:02:18</time>
<p>I am talking about the kind where you wake up already behind, so anxious, dreading even getting out of bed because you are so anxious knowing how many eggshells you will be walking on through the entire day.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:02:34</time>
<p>And I know I'm not being dramatic because I've been there too.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:02:37</time>
<p>I'm talking about the kind where you wake up and you're already behind.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:02:40</time>
<p>You go to bed, you're still behind, you're still worried.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:02:43</time>
<p>You still are trying to replay the situations that happen throughout the day before the week before.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:02:51</time>
<p>You might.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:02:51</time>
<p>You may even just be wondering how you got to this space.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:02:55</time>
<p>What did you do wrong?</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:02:56</time>
<p>I've thought that too, and Somewhere between you are keeping your child alive and functioning to the best of your ability.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:03:05</time>
<p>And you have no idea how.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:03:06</time>
<p>I had a mom recently write to me, and she said, and I have her permission to read this to you word for word.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:03:14</time>
<p>I'd asked her what she was struggling with and how I could help.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:03:17</time>
<p>And all she said was, everything, Please help.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:03:21</time>
<p>Everything is hard.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:03:22</time>
<p>I cannot get my child to bathe.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:03:26</time>
<p>I cannot get them to brush their teeth.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:03:29</time>
<p>I cannot get them to go to school.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:03:31</time>
<p>I cannot get them to be happy.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:03:33</time>
<p>Her son is seven.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:03:34</time>
<p>She said that her entire home is breaking.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:03:37</time>
<p>They're in pure survival mode and she doesn't know what to do.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:03:41</time>
<p>And she signed it, please help.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:03:43</time>
<p>That's it.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:03:43</time>
<p>That was her message.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:03:45</time>
<p>And I know when I read that, I didn't just believe her.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:03:48</time>
<p>Like, I knew that she was telling the truth deep in her bones.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:03:52</time>
<p>That was my experience as well.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:03:54</time>
<p>That was over three years ago for us.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:03:56</time>
<p>I'm currently supporting the same mum whose message that you just heard, and she's already making leaps and bounds.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:04:03</time>
<p>And when I got that email, I sat with it for a little while because I just knew that she wasn't being dramatic.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:04:10</time>
<p>If anything, I bet she was downplaying it because she didn't give me all the details.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:04:14</time>
<p>When I was in that space, it was so hard to even put the details down on paper because I was in such a state of survival.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:04:23</time>
<p>I just wanted joy in my home again.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:04:26</time>
<p>I wanted predictability for myself.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:04:28</time>
<p>I wanted to know how to support my child's mood swings, the anger, the aggression.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:04:35</time>
<p>I wanted to know how support his wellbeing, his cleanliness, his safety, his connection with his siblings.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:04:43</time>
<p>I wanted all of that.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:04:44</time>
<p>But I was at such a loss because I did not know how to move him from a state of.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:04:52</time>
<p>Of burnout through to where we are today.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:04:56</time>
<p>I actually remember, like, being up at three in the morning having this, almost this power struggle competition with my son.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:05:03</time>
<p>He just needed to gain autonomy by turning every light on in the house.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:05:07</time>
<p>And I was at breaking point.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:05:11</time>
<p>And it's not the kind of exhaustion where you just need to fall asleep.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:05:15</time>
<p>I was on edge.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:05:17</time>
<p>I swear.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:05:17</time>
<p>I even had, like this stress twitch, like, in my eye.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:05:22</time>
<p>And it must have scarred me because even.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:05:24</time>
<p>Even on my most stressful, like, seasons of life, now if that little eye twitch comes back, I just get brought back to all those lights and that loneliness and all of that Googling.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:05:37</time>
<p>So much of that googling.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:05:39</time>
<p>So whether you were laughing or you were crying at what I just said, because that was you last night.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:05:43</time>
<p>I only say that with a bit of a chuckle because I just got to a point where I had to laugh.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:05:49</time>
<p>I just had to.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:05:50</time>
<p>I could not get through any other way.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:05:51</time>
<p>My husband and I, we were just in a state of like, what the hell is happening in our home?</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:06:00</time>
<p>And I was at a loss.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:06:01</time>
<p>Like, I literally support parents of autistic children, of neurodivergent children, demand avoidant children.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:06:08</time>
<p>I do this.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:06:09</time>
<p>And I couldn't crack the code with my own child.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:06:11</time>
<p>But I honestly like the picture that I would like to paint to you is actually quite similar to the picture that a community member Zara painted to you painted for you in episode 35.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:06:24</time>
<p>So if you haven't listened to her transformation story where her son made his way out of burnout and how happy and calm and connected their home is now and how they're thriving, make sure that you jump on over after this episode and listen to her story or even hit pause, jump over there and then come back to this one.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:06:42</time>
<p>Anyway, this episode, it's about burnout.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:06:45</time>
<p>I have had a few episodes on burnout and I will reiterate the same thing that I have said before in that there is a massive difference between a neurodivergent brain in burnout, a nervous system at capacity, compared to a neurotypical person who is quite exhausted and tired.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:07:07</time>
<p>I don't say that to discredit the feelings that they must be going through.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:07:12</time>
<p>If I look at just myself as a neurodivergent adult, I was in burnout most likely the majority of my teenage years, if not even younger than that, through my childhood teenage, definitely through my 20s and 100% throughout the pregnancies and the birth and postpartum periods of my children.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:07:33</time>
<p>And we can be in burnout and we can be coping.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:07:36</time>
<p>But if you can pinpoint that rock bottom moment where you sent that email to a professional, where you begged for help, where you just threw in the towel cause you had no idea what was going on and what to do, then I would say that the PDA child, teen or young adult that you are in this with, supporting through their burnout and your family's kind of burnout because of what they're going through and what that means for everyone else, those struggles, I will say that I bet you've hit your tipping point and you've hit your rock bottom.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:08:15</time>
<p>And maybe this is the first time as you hear me say those words that you think, my gosh, I like, this is it.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:08:22</time>
<p>This is the tipping point.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:08:24</time>
<p>What do we do?</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:08:25</time>
<p>I know in My experience, I just couldn't be stuck anymore.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:08:29</time>
<p>Like we absolutely couldn't.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:08:31</time>
<p>It was just too hard.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:08:33</time>
<p>But where we were then compared to now, to support our son out of burnout is a night and day, like different galaxy situation.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:08:43</time>
<p>My husband and I would have never thought that the way that we harnessed low demand living, low demand parenting, living by our values, the way that we did that with such intention, a lot of trial and error, I will say as well, it has meant that our family has peace, our children are happy.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:09:05</time>
<p>Like, of course there are meltdowns.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:09:06</time>
<p>That's kind of never the point with burnout is.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:09:08</time>
<p>Like when they're in burnout, it is meltdown upon meltdown upon meltdown, because their nervous system never settles.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:09:16</time>
<p>It is in a constant state of fight or flight, whatever that looks like for them.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:09:20</time>
<p>Is it aggression?</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:09:22</time>
<p>Throwing something, trashing the house, grabbing knives, trying to pound down a door, trying to break glass, trying to throw chairs, furniture, threatening to do something?</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:09:33</time>
<p>Those really frightening moments for yourself and for the other children that you may have in the home.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:09:38</time>
<p>And it doesn't mean that your child is bad, doesn't mean they're naughty, it means they're struggling.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:09:44</time>
<p>And you know that.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:09:45</time>
<p>And I know you've probably tried everything and, or it seems like you've tried everything.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:09:50</time>
<p>Maybe I'm a little bit optimistic, but because I have seen it work time and time again, the biggest thing that I could tell you to give you some hope is that it isn't necessarily the strategy that is wrong.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:10:04</time>
<p>Because everything that you will read from PDA content creators, PDA professionals, educators, coaches, they are correct in my opinion, when they say that lowering demands supports a pathologically demand, avoidant or pervasive drive for autonomy, persistent drive for autonomy, autonomy seeking nervous system that is normally quite anxious, fights for equity, needs to monopolize, needs to take over, needs to take control, lowering demands, reducing pressure, creating space for collaboration, all of those things they can help and they do help.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:10:43</time>
<p>But what I have found with working with countless families moving their children from a state of PDA burnout, often for years, these children and families have been in struggle.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:10:55</time>
<p>Often for years, these PDA children, teens, adults, they have been massively struggling.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:11:02</time>
<p>Their families have been struggling.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:11:03</time>
<p>And what happens like this is literally, if I had to pick one thing that made the difference between a burnout recovery actually actually sticking and being sustainable and a recovery just continuing to take a few steps forward and 10 steps back and just keep repeating that pattern, is number one, parents don't pull back enough.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:11:26</time>
<p>There are a few different reasons why I think they don't pull back enough because each family will have their own understanding, rightly so, of what enough is based on their values, based on the boundaries, rules, guidelines that they have within their own home.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:11:42</time>
<p>But please be aware that if you don't fully allow a child in burnout to recover, they won't fully come back from their burnout.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:11:53</time>
<p>It may look so slow, it may look painfully slow, but it has to be slow.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:11:59</time>
<p>It needs to be extreme.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:12:01</time>
<p>Because it didn't just happen overnight that they went into burnout.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:12:04</time>
<p>They've likely been there for quite some time.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:12:06</time>
<p>And you've likely been struggling for quite some time too.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:12:09</time>
<p>The second thing that I see so often is low demand strategies working and parents getting excited and then they push too quickly.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:12:19</time>
<p>So kind of similar to the other one where they haven't pulled back enough, just in general, this one that I see is that they have fully pulled back.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:12:27</time>
<p>Maybe it's a bit uncomfortable, but they got okay with it.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:12:30</time>
<p>Maybe it's for a few weeks, maybe even a month, maybe even two months.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:12:33</time>
<p>And then they jumped back in quickly, they got excited, fair enough.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:12:38</time>
<p>You see the light and it is so amazing when that happens.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:12:42</time>
<p>But then they go back, sometimes even worse than before or how you perceive is worse than before because it wasn't enough.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:12:48</time>
<p>They didn't have the time they needed to heal.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:12:50</time>
<p>They need their nervous system to rest and be reset.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:12:53</time>
<p>And the third and final thing that I will say that I see parents doing time and time again is they do this alone.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:13:03</time>
<p>They do this without support and within isolation.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:13:07</time>
<p>Because even if they master low demand parenting, they master their values work, they master putting this all in place and really, really slowly getting back into the swing of things.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:13:20</time>
<p>Even maybe six to eight months goes by, they're still really like treading carefully.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:13:25</time>
<p>Their child is doing really well, Their family's doing really well.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:13:28</time>
<p>They either pull back on supports if they had them, they pull back on advocacy and surrounding themselves with people who get it.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:13:35</time>
<p>Now that, my friends, is one of the biggest game changers that I see is community is like it's never information.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:13:45</time>
<p>I have courses that I provide to people and I have a community component with those courses.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:13:51</time>
<p>And funny enough that people who want the information, they end up finding the most value just by saying and expressing how their day was or how awful a situation was to another member in a group coaching call.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:14:05</time>
<p>It's making those connections that I've been told make the difference.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:14:09</time>
<p>So to sum up, the three things that I see that really get in the way of coming out of burnout like that progression, like just halt it or stop it or make it go backwards.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:14:20</time>
<p>Is number one not pulling back enough of the demands?</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:14:23</time>
<p>Number two is reintroducing things way too quickly.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:14:27</time>
<p>Like way too quickly.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:14:28</time>
<p>And I don't mean like two days later.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:14:30</time>
<p>I mean even just two months is too quick a lot of the time.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:14:34</time>
<p>Child dependent, family dependent.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:14:35</time>
<p>Of course other factors will be at play, intersecting neurodivergence and conditions.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:14:40</time>
<p>We all need to take that on board as well.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:14:42</time>
<p>So there's no similar timeline for each family.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:14:45</time>
<p>It will look different.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:14:47</time>
<p>And number three is not having the wraparound support of other people who get it.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:14:52</time>
<p>Because when things don't go to plan, it is really easy to slip back into our old parenting patterns, into our own or our previous mindset.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:15:03</time>
<p>And then we end up back where we started sometimes.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:15:06</time>
<p>So those are the three things that I would say are what I see that stop the progress of coming out of burnout.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:15:14</time>
<p>If you are interested in my free training, my free webinar coming up where we will discuss the three biggest game changers of getting your PDA child, teen or young adult out of Burnout as well as the rest of your family, head on over to chantellehewitt.com burnout this again will take place Tuesday, September 22nd.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:15:37</time>
<p>That is new Zealand time, so you will need to check what your time zone is, but head on over, grab your seat and if you can't make it live, there will be a replay.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:15:48</time>
<p>It is my goal that you will find such value from this training and I genuinely hope that you will take away your your own game plan to know exactly what you need to do to move your child and family, the PDA person in your life, out of burnout sustainably.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:16:09</time>
<p>And then you can stop walking on those eggshells.</p>
<cite>Speaker B</cite>
<time>00:16:14</time>
<p>Thank you so much for allowing me into your world today.</p>
<cite>Speaker B</cite>
<time>00:16:18</time>
<p>Wherever you are around the globe, if you like what you've heard, I would be so grateful if you would click that subscribe button and comment below to tell me one thing.</p>
<cite>Speaker B</cite>
<time>00:16:27</time>
<p>What support do you need?</p>
<cite>Speaker B</cite>
<time>00:16:29</time>
<p>This helps me create episodes that truly impact our shared community.</p>
<cite>Speaker B</cite>
<time>00:16:34</time>
<p>By commenting, you not only help yourself, but you help make modern neurodiversity affirming autism support accessible to those who are searching for a better parenting approach.</p>
<cite>Speaker B</cite>
<time>00:16:45</time>
<p>That actually feels good.</p>
<cite>Speaker B</cite>
<time>00:16:47</time>
<p>I'm Chantal and I'll see you next week.</p>