The Biggest Mistake Parents Make Getting Their Child out of PDA Autistic Burnout

<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:00:00</time>
<p>I found is that there is a window.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:00:02</time>
<p>And in that window you have the power to actually change the trajectory of your child's experience when they are experiencing burnout.</p>
<cite>Speaker B</cite>
<time>00:00:15</time>
<p>Welcome to the Attuned Spectrum Podcast.</p>
<cite>Speaker B</cite>
<time>00:00:17</time>
<p>I'm Chantal Hewitt, an RDHD mom, experienced educator, and autism support coach who understands your path because I also walk it daily.</p>
<cite>Speaker B</cite>
<time>00:00:27</time>
<p>This is your space for real conversations that that empower your autistic child, yourself and your family to thrive here.</p>
<cite>Speaker B</cite>
<time>00:00:34</time>
<p>We respect neurodiversity, cheer on advocacy, and leave judgment at the door.</p>
<cite>Speaker B</cite>
<time>00:00:40</time>
<p>Join me inside this week's episode.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:00:48</time>
<p>I want to talk to you about something really practical today because I think a lot of the content out there on burnout in your child is either too clinical so you don't really understand it, or it is talking about burnout once you are already so deep drowning in it in your home, I want you to catch it earlier than that before it gets you into a cycle of being in survival mode.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:01:14</time>
<p>What I found is that there is a window and in that window you have the power to actually change the trajectory of your child's experience when they are experiencing nervous system burnout or nervous system overwhelm.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:01:30</time>
<p>If you're listening to this right now and some part of you is going, gosh, I think we might be heading there, I invite you to trust that if you are making some decisions, you're planning your week, your days, and it seems like it is too much for your child, please listen to that instinct.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:01:47</time>
<p>You know your child, even when everyone else may be telling you that they're fine, maybe telling you that it is a season of life or a phase, if you notice that things have gotten so much harder, is it weeks and weeks on end, coming up to months and months on end, where the smallest things that they used to be able to handle that used to not send them into a nervous system state of distress, Is it all of a sudden or as you have progressed in the last weeks or months, really starting to kind of close in on your child, your teen or your young adult.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:02:25</time>
<p>So let's start with what this actually means.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:02:27</time>
<p>Autistic, neurodivergent, pda, pathological demand avoidance, pervasive drive for autonomy.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:02:33</time>
<p>Whatever term you feel most comfortable calling it, that burnout, it isn't just being tired.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:02:39</time>
<p>It is their nervous system showing you the cost of coping and that their capacity has fully been reached.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:02:47</time>
<p>Their ability that they used to have to cope has now completely outweighed their capacity to recover.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:02:54</time>
<p>So they are fully out of balance right now.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:02:56</time>
<p>Sure, they may be still attending school, or they may be just showing you their big feelings.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:03:02</time>
<p>But again, trust that you know your child.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:03:05</time>
<p>Is it more than it normally is?</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:03:08</time>
<p>Have the meltdowns gotten really severe?</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:03:11</time>
<p>Have they gotten longer?</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:03:13</time>
<p>Has their sleep been interrupted?</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:03:15</time>
<p>Have they regressed in areas of their life?</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:03:17</time>
<p>And it is quite normal and expected for a PDA nervous system system to fluctuate in the variety of factors throughout the days where one day may not look like the next day.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:03:29</time>
<p>However, if you notice that that normal kind of up and down is, then you may be looking towards neurodivergent autistic PDA burnout.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:03:40</time>
<p>So every day, your child, your teen, your young adult, they will do things that look small from the outside, maybe even to them.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:03:48</time>
<p>And this could be sitting in a classroom, following an instruction, a request, being around noise, if noise overwhelms them, having expectations placed upon them, such as going to school, that is an expectation.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:04:02</time>
<p>Going out for a walk, that is an expectation.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:04:05</time>
<p>Eating around the dinner table, that is an expectation.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:04:09</time>
<p>And every one of those things has a cost.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:04:11</time>
<p>And if we look at that autonomy bucket that I love, love to talk about your child's level or need to have their autonomy bucket full, like their level of autonomy as a PDAO needs to be much higher than someone who is not PDA or doesn't have a PDA nervous system.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:04:29</time>
<p>And if you are noticing over the past little while, and I'm talking up to that three months, right, this is where you're really starting to notice that there is a consistent pattern.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:04:39</time>
<p>If it is taking so much more filling of that autonomy bucket or you're noticing that they're constantly in a state of distress or dysregulation and they're very rarely regulated.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:04:51</time>
<p>I thought of this in my own child when he was in burnout of like that eggshell walking that we feel, we don't feel it anymore.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:04:58</time>
<p>But when he is in burnout, or when he was in burnout, it was so intense, it was a non stop heightened response that we had to every movement he made, everything he said, everything that we said.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:05:12</time>
<p>And only you will know what your baseline is or what your level of normal is in your home.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:05:18</time>
<p>You will know how much of dysregulation for your child is like out of the norm.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:05:24</time>
<p>And that's where, if it has gone on for that consistent period of time, we need to start addressing that.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:05:31</time>
<p>This could be that they are in burnout.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:05:33</time>
<p>For a PDA nervous system, even the demand itself, as I was saying about going to school, even if it's presented as a choice that you have once you're at school of what you could do.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:05:43</time>
<p>They still hear it as I have to.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:05:46</time>
<p>It is a demand, it is a long term demand that they didn't choose for themselves.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:05:51</time>
<p>I'm not saying take them out of school.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:05:53</time>
<p>To each their own in how you support your child with their education and their learning, development and of course at what age they are and stage they are in their life.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:06:02</time>
<p>However, every one of those things following an instruction, sitting around other people listening to their teacher, being at school for a certain time and then leaving at a certain time for their PDA nervous system, that does come at a cost.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:06:15</time>
<p>Regardless of whether or not the task at hand is actually hard, whether it is something that they enjoy doing, whether it is even something that they chose, and when that cost that is now put upon them over and over again keeps outpacing their recovery from burnout and keeps outweighing their capacity that they have to function throughout the day.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:06:41</time>
<p>Everything eventually just hits a rock bottom and then it is usually way too late.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:06:47</time>
<p>When parents go, my gosh, they are in burnout.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:06:50</time>
<p>And sometimes they say, oh, they've been in burnout for months, even years.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:06:55</time>
<p>And sometimes you just don't realize until they cannot do basically anything that they love to do.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:07:03</time>
<p>And I will say how awful that is to watch.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:07:06</time>
<p>No matter how old your child is in that lead up to burnout, it looks like more meltdowns at home perhaps, and they're fine at school.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:07:14</time>
<p>Maybe they withdraw at school.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:07:17</time>
<p>Maybe they are so perfect at school because they are so into masking and the fatigue that comes from that, from holding it together all day and then completely falling apart at home.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:07:28</time>
<p>The second that they are safe with you, and this one is the one that really stumps most parents is that they refuse the things they actually love.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:07:37</time>
<p>And that isn't them being picky or them not being able to stick to something.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:07:43</time>
<p>It could genuinely be that is a demand that they cannot withstand even though they love it.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:07:50</time>
<p>So even when those good things become too much for them, that is their nervous system with very, very limited capacity.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:07:58</time>
<p>I mentioned in the previous episode that there were three main things that I see constantly that are keeping families stuck when they're trying to support their child, when they do identify that they're potentially in burnout.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:08:12</time>
<p>In this episode and in the following episodes, I will be breaking down each one of these three things.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:08:20</time>
<p>And today we will start with that first trap.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:08:24</time>
<p>This is really, really common.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:08:27</time>
<p>And what I see happening that is keeping families stuck is they look at lowering demands as just Pulling a couple of things back.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:08:35</time>
<p>They're not necessarily looking at how much effort the PDA person that they're supporting doesn't have or how much effort they have been putting in just to get by day to day.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:08:47</time>
<p>So what happens is, is they start to pull back little bits at a time and then they go, we've seen a little bit of success.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:08:54</time>
<p>We are going to keep going.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:08:56</time>
<p>Let's keep building up their tolerance, let's keep their extracurricular activities, let's keep pushing them at school, because that's really important, right?</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:09:07</time>
<p>They need to learn, they need to read, they need to write, they need to participate in that problem solving, they need build relationships and friendships.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:09:17</time>
<p>They need to work on their emotional intelligence or their emotional regulation.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:09:22</time>
<p>And yeah, that stuff is really important.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:09:25</time>
<p>But I'm telling you, hand over heart, that there is no child or no person that I've met that is able to really take in that information when they are in a state of nervous system, absolute exhaustion.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:09:42</time>
<p>So the question that I have for you is if you are someone who really struggles to pull back, and I mean really pull it back, can you take time off school?</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:09:52</time>
<p>Can you allow for regulation, whatever it may look like, as long as, as long as it is safe, can you allow that to be a constant protective measure for your child to recover from their burnout?</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:10:07</time>
<p>Can you allow screens way more than you feel comfortable with?</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:10:12</time>
<p>It doesn't need to be forever, but if it is helpful.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:10:15</time>
<p>And a lot of the times screens are helpful to regulate for autistic, neurodivergent PDA children.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:10:22</time>
<p>And within burnout, the biggest thing is making sure they have control over their day, over their life.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:10:29</time>
<p>Yes.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:10:29</time>
<p>Even if they're young.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:10:30</time>
<p>It's just we do need to be there, obviously a little bit more to protect them in the safety aspect of it.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:10:37</time>
<p>But we really have to pull back.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:10:39</time>
<p>And a mistake, in my opinion that I continuously see is that parents of PDA children, they don't pull back enough.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:10:48</time>
<p>They find out about this window of tolerance and then they listen to a bunch of different opinions and they try to push back or bring something back into action with their child, their teen, their young adult, way before they are able to participate.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:11:05</time>
<p>Again, a lot of the times it is because we're thinking about ourselves.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:11:10</time>
<p>And I don't mean that to sound rude or blunt, but if we actually think and ask ourselves the question of why, why my child to jump back into three activities a week when they're not sleeping well, when they're overwhelmed, when half their day is them in Distress, what are you rushing back to?</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:11:34</time>
<p>And so often I hear that it actually has nothing to do about the child.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:11:38</time>
<p>And funny enough, nothing to even do about the family's core values, what they believe in, what they want.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:11:45</time>
<p>So often it is about how the parent feels they will be perceived by their friends, by other children's parents, by their community, by their school.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:11:56</time>
<p>And those are real fears.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:11:58</time>
<p>Those are real things that do get in the way of decision making.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:12:03</time>
<p>So I do hear you on that, but I want to challenge you on your why.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:12:08</time>
<p>Because if you knew.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:12:11</time>
<p>So if I'm telling you that you have, or if you've decided, hey, my child is in burnout.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:12:17</time>
<p>It's been three plus months, they're struggling, they've regressed, they're refusing to leave the house, they're not eating foods that they used to enjoy eating, they're not doing the things they used to love.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:12:28</time>
<p>They're constantly in a state of fight or flight or freeze or they're fawning when they're not in their safe place at home.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:12:35</time>
<p>And if I told you that pulling everything back would mean that they could heal and that they could recover and rebuild that energy and start to be okay again, would you say, yes, I'll do that, I'll do anything, or would you say, yes, I'll do that, but I still need them to go to swimming on a Thursday so they learn how to swim.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:12:58</time>
<p>It's not saying that that Thursday swim class as an example obviously isn't important.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:13:03</time>
<p>But what I am saying is that so much of our resistance to give our PDA child and burnout exactly what they need to get better.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:13:15</time>
<p>The resistance, it comes down to us.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:13:17</time>
<p>And when we ask ourselves why and dig deeper.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:13:21</time>
<p>And that is the work that I do with parents.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:13:23</time>
<p>And it is uncomfortable work, like genuinely uncomfortable.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:13:27</time>
<p>No one likes to know why they're not doing something or they don't want to be met with the judgments of others or even themselves or close family members.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:13:37</time>
<p>But if you have been trying to support your child in what you believe is a burnout state and you know your child best and it has been going on and nothing is working like the strategies that you used to use, low demand parenting strategies.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:13:51</time>
<p>If nothing is working, it is most likely because if you are someone who has been introducing things back in too quickly, you're just not pulling back enough, and your child, like, if this episode is resonating with you right now, or even if you've been thinking, like, if you have to go, should we go?</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:14:09</time>
<p>Should we go to this event all his friends will be there.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:14:11</time>
<p>I think they're going to miss him.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:14:13</time>
<p>Just that in general, that's not about your child.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:14:16</time>
<p>That's about how his friends will perceive what's happening.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:14:20</time>
<p>Yes, socializing, having relationships, all of those amazing things are really important for your child as they develop, as they grow, for your teenager, for your young adult, those experiences in whatever way, shape or form makes sense to them.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:14:35</time>
<p>They are valuable.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:14:36</time>
<p>However, this is about the balance.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:14:39</time>
<p>If they are in burnout, do we want to push these things?</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:14:43</time>
<p>And then I would ask you, well, how long would you like Burnett recovery to take?</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:14:49</time>
<p>Because no matter what your answer is, I will tell you it is most likely going to take longer than what you think it will.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:14:55</time>
<p>I don't say that to freak you out or to put a halt into your day or to your life.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:15:00</time>
<p>But we are still learning so much about nervous systems, about neurodivergence, about lived experience, about how to support demand avoidance PDA and how to heal nervous systems and bring our children, our teenagers, our young adults back to the state of feeling safe.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:15:17</time>
<p>Safety is the foundation and the base of everything.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:15:21</time>
<p>And I will bring you back to this question that if you're still listening, good on you.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:15:25</time>
<p>If you already got upset by the questions I've been asking you to think of, then I apologize.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:15:31</time>
<p>But you're not listening to this part anyway.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:15:33</time>
<p>So thank you for staying and showing up.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:15:35</time>
<p>But the last thing that I will ask you is to reflect on what really matters to you right now.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:15:41</time>
<p>Your child is potentially in burnout, right?</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:15:44</time>
<p>Does that swim class matter right now?</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:15:47</time>
<p>Do they need to learn to swim right now before they recover their nervous system?</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:15:53</time>
<p>We pull back when our children are in burnout and often we don't pull back enough.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:15:58</time>
<p>And you may fall into this trap.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:16:00</time>
<p>As a parent, we reduce that load more than we think we need to.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:16:04</time>
<p>It is not forever, but it does take time.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:16:07</time>
<p>And I cannot give you that magic time frame because we genuinely won't know.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:16:13</time>
<p>And I also do not know your child, your family, your dynamics.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:16:17</time>
<p>But it will take time because it took a long time for them to get to that space.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:16:21</time>
<p>Think of that, how long it has taken and all the demand load that has been put on.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:16:25</time>
<p>We can't just snap our fingers and then the demand load goes away.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:16:29</time>
<p>So I invite you to sit with the questions, go back and listen to them if you need to.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:16:34</time>
<p>I'll pop the questions in the show notes as well so you can come back to them, give them a screenshot.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:16:39</time>
<p>I'll also be unpacking this on my Instagram feed this week.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:16:43</time>
<p>So you definitely can head on over to Hantel Hewitt on Instagram.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:16:48</time>
<p>I would love, love if you would follow along, share your experience, Send me a DM if you have any questions.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:16:55</time>
<p>Happy to hear from you and support you or guide you in whatever way would make sense for you right now.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:17:01</time>
<p>And underneath all this, I think you might find that when you ask these questions and really try to get a deeper understanding of why, like why, why, why, why do you want your child to not be on that device for 10 hours a day?</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:17:19</time>
<p>If the answer is because it ruins their brain, or because I think it will keep them up at night, or because they're not learning, that's not the end of figuring out why.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:17:34</time>
<p>That's just the current story that you're telling yourself.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:17:37</time>
<p>Because if I then asked you, well, what does learning look like?</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:17:41</time>
<p>Can you not learn on a screen?</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:17:42</time>
<p>Are they regulated?</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:17:44</time>
<p>Are they exploring some safety, some special interest that they have that is regulating them and giving them what they need right now to heal and recover their nervous system?</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:17:54</time>
<p>We could even dig deeper.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:17:56</time>
<p>Who put that belief in your head?</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:17:57</time>
<p>Whether it's true or not right now doesn't matter.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:18:00</time>
<p>It's that you think it's true and why do you think it's true and could I prove to you that it is false or that it.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:18:07</time>
<p>There's that doubt there that it could be false and sitting with that is uncomfortable.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:18:13</time>
<p>If we look at education and you're trying so hard to make sure that they don't fall behind in their academics, no matter how old they are, and I could be talking about a 6 year old right now, a 10 year old, 15, 25, okay.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:18:27</time>
<p>We continue to learn.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:18:28</time>
<p>We continue to either have this, you know, there's, we've got to work in some way to earn an income to support ourselves as a young adult.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:18:37</time>
<p>And as we continue to grow that way, there's secondary school, high school, there's college, university, tertiary college.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:18:43</time>
<p>All these things that you could be nodding along to right now where you don't want them to fall behind because you want the very best for them.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:18:51</time>
<p>And that's what we uncover a lot, is that ultimately it's not that you want them to go to school or to not fall behind because you need them to be the smartest person in the world.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:19:05</time>
<p>It's because you want them to develop because you don't want to fail them as a parent.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:19:12</time>
<p>And so many other things that may be going through your head right now, those are just some examples that I can offer you only you will know.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:19:19</time>
<p>And in response to education, what exactly does fall behind look like?</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:19:24</time>
<p>Who are they falling behind?</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:19:26</time>
<p>Behind who?</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:19:27</time>
<p>Behind a timeline that was built for a nervous system that isn't your child's.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:19:31</time>
<p>We live in a culture that is push, push, push, outcome driven, instant satisfaction, gratification.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:19:39</time>
<p>We want something online, we order it, it is there within 48 hours.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:19:43</time>
<p>Pretty sure you can pay more or join some sort of club and it gets there sooner.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:19:47</time>
<p>There's always a solution at our fingertips.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:19:50</time>
<p>And I genuinely believe that this work takes time.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:19:54</time>
<p>And I know this work takes time.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:19:56</time>
<p>And it is really hard to face that as a parent trying to do their absolute best.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:20:02</time>
<p>We live in a culture, in society that has quietly convinced us that pulling back means that you are giving up or that you are failing.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:20:13</time>
<p>It tells us that resting is a risk and can halt our trajectory, our development in life.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:20:21</time>
<p>But here is what actually happens if you keep pushing your child through instead, if you keep comparing, if you refuse to pull back because you're still holding onto something, and I'm telling you this because I see it every single day and I have lived it as well, your child, your teen, your young adult, they will continue to go deeper into burnout.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:20:43</time>
<p>Capacity will keep eroding until there is so little left that they will begin to start refusing the things that they genuinely love.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:20:52</time>
<p>And they may actually already be doing that.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:20:54</time>
<p>And this is not out of behavior, out of them being stubborn.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:20:59</time>
<p>This is their nervous system pushed past its limit, that they don't have any space anymore to actually give it the replenishing that it needs, that autonomy that it needs.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:21:10</time>
<p>So when I say that you need to pull back if your child is in burnout, I really mean that you need to pull back.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:21:19</time>
<p>That is the honest truth.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:21:20</time>
<p>That is what I will tell you.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:21:23</time>
<p>Whether you listen continuously on the podcast, whether you join one of my programs, whether we do one on one coaching, it always comes down to this.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:21:33</time>
<p>And so much of what we think will get our child out of burnout is not what will get them out of burnout.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:21:40</time>
<p>So when your fears come up, can you ask yourself, who am I actually serving?</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:21:45</time>
<p>Is it serving you or your child?</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:21:47</time>
<p>Is it a fear that is about you or is it about them, about pleasing, about how it looks?</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:21:54</time>
<p>Is it tied to worth or achievement?</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:21:57</time>
<p>If your child had all the time and capacity in the world, would you still be pushing this particular thing right now?</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:22:04</time>
<p>Or is there something deeper at play?</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:22:06</time>
<p>And whose timeline are you actually working against?</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:22:10</time>
<p>Because I promise you, those timelines, what we base our judgments on as parents or our expectations.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:22:19</time>
<p>Those were never built with a PDA nervous system in mind.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:22:22</time>
<p>If you take nothing else from today, pulling back when you see these early signs is absolutely not giving up on your child.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:22:30</time>
<p>You are not failing as their parent.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:22:32</time>
<p>I see you, I hear your struggles.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:22:34</time>
<p>I know you're trying everything under the sun, but pulling back more than what you think you need to do is one of the single most protective things that you can do right now for your child.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:22:47</time>
<p>Yes, it will take time.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:22:48</time>
<p>And I will be honest with you about something because I don't think it's fair to only tell you half of this because there is also a second trap and that's the one on the completely opposite end.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:23:00</time>
<p>Do you remember when I said it's a balance of finding that window of tolerance, but then also having those boundaries and those values and sticking to them.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:23:11</time>
<p>Now you're probably spinning, going, wait, what?</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:23:13</time>
<p>What are you talking about?</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:23:14</time>
<p>You just told me to pull back.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:23:16</time>
<p>This is why this work takes time, because it is complicated.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:23:22</time>
<p>Supporting individual nervous systems and families and those dynamics.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:23:26</time>
<p>No one family or person is the same.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:23:28</time>
<p>There is a second trap that I cannot wait to tell you about in the next episode and it actually is the complete opposite of this one.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:23:37</time>
<p>It is what happens when you pull back and instead of doing it to the place that you need to for healing and recovery, it actually turns into letting go of everything.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:23:48</time>
<p>Zero structure, zero boundaries.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:23:51</time>
<p>And then you continue to walk on eggshells in your own home with zero control as a parent.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:23:56</time>
<p>And then you feel like you may have lost yourself in this process.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:24:00</time>
<p>And before you go, I would love to invite you to a free training that I am running next week.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:24:05</time>
<p>If you're listening in real time September 22, 2026, please look for your time in your time zone.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:24:12</time>
<p>When you go to register for free, head on over to chantellehewitt.com burnout or you can click the link in the show notes.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:24:22</time>
<p>If you can't make it live and there will be a really awesome prize for one lucky person who has been able to make it live, then I will be sending out a limited time replay to my entire email list.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:24:35</time>
<p>So if you haven't registered yet, there is still space and still time to register.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:24:41</time>
<p>And of course if you are listening and it is past the free training date, then please sign up for the wait list.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:24:48</time>
<p>We'd love to have you at the next free training.</p>
<cite>Speaker B</cite>
<time>00:24:53</time>
<p>Thank you so much for allowing me into your world today.</p>
<cite>Speaker B</cite>
<time>00:24:57</time>
<p>Wherever you are, around the globe.</p>
<cite>Speaker B</cite>
<time>00:24:58</time>
<p>If you like what you've heard.</p>
<cite>Speaker B</cite>
<time>00:25:00</time>
<p>I would be so grateful if you would click that subscribe button and comment below to tell me one thing.</p>
<cite>Speaker B</cite>
<time>00:25:06</time>
<p>What support do you need?</p>
<cite>Speaker B</cite>
<time>00:25:08</time>
<p>This helps me create episodes that truly impact our shared community.</p>
<cite>Speaker B</cite>
<time>00:25:13</time>
<p>By commenting, you not only help yourself, but you help make modern neurodiversity affirming autism support accessible to those who are searching for a better parenting approach.</p>
<cite>Speaker B</cite>
<time>00:25:24</time>
<p>That actually feels good.</p>
<cite>Speaker B</cite>
<time>00:25:26</time>
<p>I'm Chantal and I'll see you next week.</p>