I’m Done With ‘Try Harder’ Advice — What Actually Helps PDA and Neurodivergent Kids Out of Burnout

<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:00:00</time>
<p>If you've ever been told to just be more consistent with your PDA child, your autistic child, or your neurodivergent child, and you feel like it has made everything worse, then you are not doing it wrong.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:00:11</time>
<p>I promise you that you've just been handed the completely wrong roadmap.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:00:16</time>
<p>But please allow me to show you the right one.</p>
<cite>Speaker B</cite>
<time>00:00:22</time>
<p>Welcome to the Attuned Spectrum Podcast.</p>
<cite>Speaker B</cite>
<time>00:00:24</time>
<p>I'm Chantal Hewitt, an Audi HD Mum, experienced educator and autism support coach who understands your path because I also walk it daily.</p>
<cite>Speaker B</cite>
<time>00:00:34</time>
<p>This is your space for real conversations that empower your autistic child, yourself and your family to thrive here.</p>
<cite>Speaker B</cite>
<time>00:00:41</time>
<p>We respect neurodiversity, cheer on advocacy, and leave judgment at the door.</p>
<cite>Speaker B</cite>
<time>00:00:46</time>
<p>Join me inside this week's episode.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:00:54</time>
<p>Within this episode, I would love to unpack a story Again.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:00:59</time>
<p>I'm really into stories lately that you might be telling yourself.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:01:03</time>
<p>So if you are listening to this episode and you currently have this story that you tell yourself, or this belief and it is that if I listen to the people who remind me or who tell me over and over again, like those lovely in laws you might have, maybe your own parents, maybe teachers, maybe some friends of neurotypical children, or perhaps children whose needs just aren't as intense as your child's.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:01:28</time>
<p>If you believe that you just need to take their advice and try harder at the thing that you know is not working or will not work for the research that you've done on a PDA nervous system, then I would like to give you permission to take all those ideas, write them down on paper, and then crumple up that paper and throw it in the bin or the recycling bin, or the rubbish bin or the trash or the garbage.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:01:55</time>
<p>Wherever you are listening from in the world and what language you like to use, I hope that painted that picture.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:02:01</time>
<p>So I would like to explain to you why you need to take that story that you're telling yourself about being more consistent.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:02:07</time>
<p>Because that is not actually how we find success for our PDA child.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:02:11</time>
<p>So I would like you to take that, crumple it up again, throw it in the bin.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:02:14</time>
<p>So once we've done that, we can move on.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:02:17</time>
<p>Okay, so we have done that.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:02:18</time>
<p>Now I would like to unpack why this idea of being more consistent actually just continues to push our PDAER further and further into a burnout state or towards a burnout state.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:02:30</time>
<p>And just in general, why it is absolutely the wrong advice.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:02:33</time>
<p>So, yes, consistency is amazing.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:02:35</time>
<p>I love attachment theory and we talk about consistency within attachment theory and how children, no matter the Age, stage of development.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:02:43</time>
<p>They do need that consistent person, that co regulator, that caregiver in their life to help support them, to create safety and trust, to regulate with them, to support their independence and their own ability to self regulate as they develop, as they grow, as they go on through life.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:02:59</time>
<p>So yes, consistency is important for sure.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:03:02</time>
<p>But when we're looking at what consistency actually means in the context of how people are telling us to use it.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:03:08</time>
<p>So for example, what I hear a lot of the time that parents are struggling with is that the guidance that they're given from their doctor, from their pediatrician, from a teacher educator, their advice is you need to take a strategy and be more consistent with it.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:03:24</time>
<p>And then over time that strategy will begin to work.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:03:27</time>
<p>Because yes, it is true that it takes like a hundred times, depending on, you know, which child here we're talking about and what the research is, but it takes X amount of times, that is a lot of times for something to actually stick right, for a child to learn something, for right or wrong to be established, for you to model something so well that your child just picks it up.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:03:50</time>
<p>So yes, consistency with the things that actually are supportive of behavior change or regulating a nervous system, especially pda, nervous system demand, avoidant nervous system, that drive for autonomy within your child.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:04:04</time>
<p>Consistency actually doesn't work when it is the wrong strategy or when you're trying to be consistent with behavioral approaches, approaches that do not allow your child to have their autonomy supported.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:04:17</time>
<p>If you're being more consistent with the same demand or the same routine that isn't working, the same event or situation that's actually creating a threat response with your child, then that be consistent is actually just pushing them further into burnout.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:04:34</time>
<p>Or the strategy just isn't working and it won't continue to work because you're consistent with it.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:04:40</time>
<p>So that is one reason why that advice of if you were just more consistent or that story that you're telling yourself why it doesn't work because it's never meant to.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:04:48</time>
<p>It was never meant to.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:04:49</time>
<p>When the strategy is not the right one for your PDA child's nervous system.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:04:55</time>
<p>Okay, I want to talk about why else that isn't helpful.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:04:58</time>
<p>And this is probably one that a lot of people miss, but it's one that I really struggled with.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:05:02</time>
<p>And when I share this with other people, I find that they just sigh.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:05:05</time>
<p>This just they've got the sense of relief.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:05:07</time>
<p>They're like, oh, thank God, you know, thank you for telling me that it isn't just me.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:05:11</time>
<p>And this also may not apply to you, by the way, if you are listening, I know that not all parents of neurodivergent children are the one that perhaps has passed on their neurodivergence to them.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:05:20</time>
<p>But if you are in your 30s, 40s, 50s is usually the age range that listen to this podcast and that I support and connect with, depending on what age your child is and obviously what age you had your children.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:05:32</time>
<p>But generally speaking, if you are within that 35 to 55 age range, then you, in one way or another, whether it has been pregnancy or postpartum, whether it has been perimenopause or menopause or something completely different that I'm not even touching on, that has to do with your female hormones.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:05:51</time>
<p>You have gone through a lot of hormonal shifts and changes and a lot of times something that comes up in the neurodivergence space is late diagnosed or late realized attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, adhd.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:06:06</time>
<p>And you might actually be listening going, oh my gosh, is that what's going on with me?</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:06:10</time>
<p>I will say not a psychiatrist, not a psychologist, do not diagnose.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:06:13</time>
<p>But I'm just sharing my own experience here.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:06:15</time>
<p>And then the experience of pretty much everyone that I support who is late diagnosed or going through a, then they go on to get that ADHD diagnosis because it is just so hard to function.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:06:25</time>
<p>But if we just look at consistency.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:06:28</time>
<p>So if you are not ADHD and if you believe that this tip here doesn't apply to you, just look through the chapters and jump to number three, because that one won't be about adhd.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:06:37</time>
<p>But if you are adhd, do you know how hard it is to be consistent?</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:06:42</time>
<p>Do you know that a trait of ADHD is rejection sensitive dysphoria, which means that you have spent years, years, your entire life feeling really big feelings.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:06:53</time>
<p>If you have RSD or if you feel rsd, if this resonates for you, you have spent so many years suppressing and feeling like really bad when you do something wrong or when you think you've done something bad or upset someone, you take every little thing absolutely to heart.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:07:10</time>
<p>Someone doesn't message you, you know the exact time they said they would, and you think that they just never want to see you again.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:07:16</time>
<p>Someone was really short in the message and they were just having a shit day.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:07:20</time>
<p>But actually you think that they just want to move to the other side of the world and never talk to you again.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:07:24</time>
<p>And those two examples.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:07:25</time>
<p>But I'm being like absolutely serious when I say how hard ADHD women, especially those who don't know that they're ADHD can be on themselves when they try and try and try at parenting something that they're really, really wanting to do well and right by their child.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:07:44</time>
<p>And then they fail or they feel like they're failing, which was what we talked about in the episode prior to this one was that other belief.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:07:50</time>
<p>So if you're listening going, oh my gosh, I struggle with consistency.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:07:53</time>
<p>Yes, light bulb, light bulb.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:07:55</time>
<p>Well, there could be a few things.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:07:57</time>
<p>Have a little Google about late realized ADHD in women and then look at how consistency shows up and how that is a huge struggle.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:08:04</time>
<p>So many things can be a struggle if you are a neurodivergent parent to a pda, autistic adhd, multiple intersecting neurodivergences child.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:08:14</time>
<p>So that is also why there is a problem with everyone telling you that you just need to be more consistent.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:08:20</time>
<p>And I can actually break this down into so many other ADHD traits.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:08:23</time>
<p>But consistent is the one that I landed on today.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:08:25</time>
<p>So I will not jump further into that one.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:08:27</time>
<p>But I will finish off with a third one of why it is not okay that you are continuing to tell yourself that if you are just more consistent that things will improve.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:08:41</time>
<p>This is a big one.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:08:42</time>
<p>And it might actually ask you to reflect and look a bit deeper if you keep telling yourself that you need to be more consistent in parenting your PDA child.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:08:50</time>
<p>And if you know that they're PDA as well.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:08:52</time>
<p>Not if you're, if you're like, oh, I've kind of heard a pda or oh, I'm listening to the podcast for more autism support.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:08:57</time>
<p>Great.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:08:57</time>
<p>But if you know that your child is pda, pervasive drive for autonomy, pathological quote unquote, demand avoidance.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:09:04</time>
<p>When we keep telling ourselves that consistency is what is going to change their behavior.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:09:10</time>
<p>But again, if it's the wrong strategy, then what we're also doing is we're, we're not actually fully or radically, as it's called, accepting the child that we have in front of us.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:09:22</time>
<p>And I say that's a big one.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:09:24</time>
<p>Because I feel like if someone said that to me, I'd be a bit defensive or I would question it really quickly and go, what do you mean?</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:09:31</time>
<p>I love my child.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:09:32</time>
<p>I don't want to fix them.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:09:34</time>
<p>Of course you don't, because you want to do right by them because you love them.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:09:37</time>
<p>But you also know that they're struggling and you might have that fear or that belief that if you keep trying, if you keep being consistent, if you keep trying what other people say to do because it has worked for them, then the challenging behaviors that you're seeing in your child might finally come right.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:09:55</time>
<p>Have you ever said to yourself or heard someone say maybe it's just a phase?</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:10:00</time>
<p>Maybe they'll grow out of their sensory sensitivities.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:10:03</time>
<p>Maybe they'll grow out of their need to be argumentative or defiant with their teachers or with their parents.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:10:10</time>
<p>If they're pda, they won't.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:10:12</time>
<p>So if your child is pda, this is who they are.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:10:15</time>
<p>And unfortunately, when we are told to be more consistent in that way, we don't get to see our PDA child in their full PDA incredible glory that makes them who they are.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:10:27</time>
<p>Yes, it's challenging when we don't have the right strategies, but so are a lot of things when we don't really know how to get through it right.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:10:33</time>
<p>So, in sum, that was my three reasons why I absolutely hate when someone says that you need to be more consistent as you parent your PDA child.</p>
<cite>Speaker A</cite>
<time>00:10:43</time>
<p>And then also a reminder that you are not failing as a mom or is the parent the caregiver of your child because there is so much more going on underneath that has nothing to do with how consistent you are as you apply strategies that were never meant for your child's particular nervous system.</p>
<cite>Speaker B</cite>
<time>00:11:03</time>
<p>Thank you so much for allowing me into your world today, wherever you are around the globe.</p>
<cite>Speaker B</cite>
<time>00:11:08</time>
<p>If you like what you've heard, I would be so grateful if you would click that subscribe button and comment below to tell me one thing.</p>
<cite>Speaker B</cite>
<time>00:11:16</time>
<p>What support do you need?</p>
<cite>Speaker B</cite>
<time>00:11:18</time>
<p>This helps me create episodes that truly impact our shared community.</p>
<cite>Speaker B</cite>
<time>00:11:23</time>
<p>By commenting, you not only help yourself, but you help make modern neurodiversity affirming autism support accessible to those who are searching for a better parenting approach.</p>
<cite>Speaker B</cite>
<time>00:11:33</time>
<p>That actually feels good.</p>
<cite>Speaker B</cite>
<time>00:11:36</time>
<p>I'm Chantel and I'll see you next week.</p>