PDA Parenting: Your Child Does Not Need Fixing, but Your Home Might

PDA Changes The Whole Family

0:00 SPEAKER_01: What if I told you that everything you've been pouring into understanding your child, their triggers, their needs, their nervous system is important, but it's only half the picture?

0:08 SPEAKER_01: Because PDA doesn't just affect your child.

0:11 SPEAKER_01: It reshapes your entire family.

0:13 SPEAKER_01: And until we look at the whole system, that whole family system, nothing will fully or sustainably shift.

0:20 SPEAKER_01: And that is what this episode is about.

0:24 SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the Attuned Spectrum Podcast.

0:27 SPEAKER_00: I'm Chantelle Hewitt, an ADHD mum, experienced educator, and autism support coach who understands your path because I also walk it daily.

0:36 SPEAKER_00: This is your space for real conversations that empower your autistic child, yourself, and your family to thrive.

0:44 SPEAKER_00: Here, we respect neurodiversity, cheer on advocacy, and leave judgment at the door.

0:49 SPEAKER_00: Join me inside this week's episode.

0:57 SPEAKER_01: As practical as I love to be, as I speak directly to parents, mothers, co-regulators, caregivers.

1:05 SPEAKER_01: I also I also love the nerdy side.

1:08 SPEAKER_01: I love the research side.

1:09 SPEAKER_01: I love understanding psychology and child development, not in that deficit way, but in a neurodiversity-affirming way, which is really new because the research hasn't caught up yet.

1:18 SPEAKER_01: And the academic papers haven't caught up yet.

1:21 SPEAKER_01: The academic systems and institutions, they haven't caught up yet, which is slightly frustrating.

Family Systems Theory Made Practical

1:25 SPEAKER_01: However, something I do want to talk about today is family systems and family systems theory.

1:30 SPEAKER_01: And what this is, is this talks about how families operate as a unit, as an emotional unit.

1:36 SPEAKER_01: So we're not just a collection of individuals.

1:38 SPEAKER_01: If one thing happens to a child or if one thing is happening to a member of the family, it doesn't just exist within them.

1:44 SPEAKER_01: It actually affects the whole of the family.

1:46 SPEAKER_01: When one person is chronically stressed or chronically dysregulated, it creates ripple effects throughout the whole system.

1:53 SPEAKER_01: You cannot just treat, quote unquote, treat one part and expect the whole thing to shift.

1:58 SPEAKER_01: It definitely won't shift overnight.

2:00 SPEAKER_01: And there's this concept when we talk about family systems that says that families operate not in isolation, but together as a system, as the name implies.

2:09 SPEAKER_01: When one person is dysregulated, that ripple effect makes a difference.

2:13 SPEAKER_01: You might not see it right away, but it is there.

2:16 SPEAKER_01: So we can't just focus on one part of that system and expect that everything else will change and that the whole system will run smoothly.

2:24 SPEAKER_01: And this is especially true in a PDA household.

2:27 SPEAKER_01: Because PDA, yes, 100% affects the child.

2:31 SPEAKER_01: This is the child's journey.

2:33 SPEAKER_01: But as a child who doesn't have access to supports, they're not the ones listening to this podcast.

2:38 SPEAKER_01: It's you.

2:39 SPEAKER_01: You have a family that you are supporting and your child is struggling within, I shouldn't assume that.

2:45 SPEAKER_01: I'm imagining if you are listening to the podcast, you are after some sort of support.

2:49 SPEAKER_01: If not, thank you for listening anyway.

2:50 SPEAKER_01: However, if your child is struggling, then it's not just your child struggling.

2:54 SPEAKER_01: It is you trying to support their struggles and to care for that and to care for your other children, if there are other children, to run a household, to go to the grocery store, to plan family events if you can manage that, to work, to make an income, to support your children.

3:09 SPEAKER_01: All of that, if we look at each piece in isolation, if there's a problem that needs to be fixed, it might be easy to find the solution.

3:17 SPEAKER_01: But a lot of the times the solution in isolation doesn't offer the solution to the bigger picture, the family system.

3:24 SPEAKER_01: How can we make the changes that will support sustainable relief within our families, creating calm and connection within our homes again?

3:36 SPEAKER_01: Or maybe not even again, maybe for the first time in a really long time.

Family Values That Drive Decisions

3:40 SPEAKER_01: So you can do all the right things for your child.

3:42 SPEAKER_01: You can reduce demands, follow their lead, use that low demand language.

3:46 SPEAKER_01: Yes, it does work 100%.

3:48 SPEAKER_01: But if the wider environment around the child, around your child, around you, if your family values or your expectations that are ingrained in how you run your household, if those haven't shifted collectively, then your child is still fighting to exist, as are you, inside a system that wasn't designed for them.

4:08 SPEAKER_01: And I hope that when you hear that, if that is bringing up feelings for you, I do need you to know that it is not because of you.

4:17 SPEAKER_01: It is not your fault that the system wasn't designed for your child.

4:21 SPEAKER_01: That is a system's fault.

4:22 SPEAKER_01: And at our level, where we support our families and ourselves, we may not be able to shift in as quick a time frame as I would love the systems.

4:32 SPEAKER_01: That is a big, big ask and a big task.

4:35 SPEAKER_01: It's not that it's not important.

4:37 SPEAKER_01: Of course it's important.

4:38 SPEAKER_01: That advocacy work is so important, but that cannot be the main focus because the biggest shifts come from in the home, come from in the household, come from the values that you believe is a family that you can then instill within your family, within your children, to support your PDA child, to encourage their own advocacy and others to advocate for them, and also to all be on the same page in everyone's differing nervous system needs and how to succeed and find connection and relief in your home.

5:11 SPEAKER_01: So a lot of these expectations that we carry, they aren't even ones that we consciously choose.

5:18 SPEAKER_01: So they are the ones that we've absorbed.

5:19 SPEAKER_01: And because we live in such a quick, fast-paced environment, a lot of the times we aren't even aware of where these values come from or where our decisions come from.

5:30 SPEAKER_01: And a lot of the times I'm working with families who aren't really sure what their family values are.

5:35 SPEAKER_01: And that's the starting point.

5:37 SPEAKER_01: That is what your decisions could be made upon that become shared and collective, becomes that anchor point for you as a family when you're making decisions that affect your child, but then also that affect everyone else in your family.

5:51 SPEAKER_01: So when we have absorbed or learned or have these unconscious beliefs that we may or may not agree with from when we were raised, from school, from how we grew up, from what a good family was supposed to look like or does look like.

6:05 SPEAKER_01: And what if that picture that you've been told or that you feel like you need to be doesn't actually fit the family that you have or the child that you're parenting?

Rethinking Screens As Regulation

6:16 SPEAKER_01: My family shifted greatly during our PDA parenting journey, and it was really hard.

6:21 SPEAKER_01: So I share this one often because I feel like it's quite relatable.

6:24 SPEAKER_01: Maybe it's not.

6:24 SPEAKER_01: If you have something else, please tell me.

6:26 SPEAKER_01: I share about the TV because being a trained educator, I can see and have seen over the years the detriment that having a screen in front of your face has done to children.

6:36 SPEAKER_01: Like genuinely, I can see it.

6:38 SPEAKER_01: And it aggravated me so much whenever I felt like I was giving in.

6:42 SPEAKER_01: My husband and I were going, here, just watch this because it's the only thing that'll calm you down.

6:47 SPEAKER_01: And I had this thought pattern in my head.

6:49 SPEAKER_01: And sometimes it's still there, but I've done a lot of work to get rid of it or to replace it with something way more productive and more compassionate to myself and my parenting and who I am.

6:58 SPEAKER_01: But that thought pattern was that the screen was a last resort, that the screen was there when we were at our wits' end, that the screen is not helpful, that allowing our child to have some time to regulate the way that he needed to in his body, not the way that I was trained, that children regulate, not the way that I was grown up.

7:17 SPEAKER_01: And yes, this is controversial.

7:19 SPEAKER_01: I share this example so strongly because we have gone back and forth over the years, and every single time, for whatever reason, we keep trying to flip the switch back.

7:29 SPEAKER_01: And we are reminded every single time that it doesn't work, that forcing our child to regulate without a screen when he needs one does way more detriment to his anxiety levels and to his well-being.

7:42 SPEAKER_01: But what happens when we drop that boundary and see what offering him the screen does for his autonomy and for him to have that repeatable, dependent, predictable screen time that he needs, the shows that he loves to watch, the clips over and over, they might look pointless or like they're not doing anything, or that he's not learning.

8:06 SPEAKER_01: But what he is learning is how to be in tune to his body and his brain, and that he's overwhelmed and I can actually see him relax when he is able to watch something.

8:18 SPEAKER_01: And just the anxiety of him not knowing, because it genuinely wasn't consistent, what our answer would be for a while, because my husband and I were going back and forth over is this the right thing?

8:28 SPEAKER_01: Do we want to have screens?

8:29 SPEAKER_01: And honestly, like I am telling you, we we've gone back and forth so many times.

8:34 SPEAKER_01: Every single time, it almost pushed our son into burnout when we would take a screen away or take the the option of him using one when he needed it.

8:42 SPEAKER_01: And every time we go, why have we just forced our child into massive meltdowns and panic attacks again and again and again, just because there is this belief that we have had that children do not learn with a screen or having a screen is not productive to their socializing, to this, to how they communicate.

9:02 SPEAKER_01: And then I'm realizing, well, my son has different socializing skills anyway, and he has strengths in his own relationship building that look different than what the research says is great for children, with a lot of the screen time research being done with neurotypical children.

9:17 SPEAKER_01: And now we can see with the research coming out that neurodivergent children in their brains, they actually do regulate from screens, and it is okay if you do that.

9:27 SPEAKER_01: If you need the permission, mother to another mother or parent to another parent, caregiver, co-regulator, whatever you call yourself.

9:34 SPEAKER_01: If you need a screen, it is okay.

9:37 SPEAKER_01: There is a big difference between using a screen because you know it is regulating, and that being low demand to support your child's autonomy if they're PDA, then you deciding that you just don't want to connect with your child, therefore you're going to just give them a screen for 24-7.

9:52 SPEAKER_01: Like that's those are very different situations.

9:55 SPEAKER_01: And even if you are in that situation, I bet there's a lot going on there too.

9:59 SPEAKER_01: So also don't be hard on yourself.

10:00 SPEAKER_01: But I do think that is a really good example because there are so many things that we have ingrained, these belief systems that we are taught that we hold on to, but we're holding on to them a lot of the times for the wrong reasons.

10:13 SPEAKER_01: And personally speaking, I was scared of what people would think if they saw a screen because I was so against it for so long.

10:20 SPEAKER_01: And now that I've leaned into it, our child has been out of burnout for a few years now, like proper burnout.

10:25 SPEAKER_01: Um, he still will dip in back and forth from time to time, which we support.

10:28 SPEAKER_01: But a lot of the times what supports him is a screen, is technology.

10:33 SPEAKER_01: It's it's just what it is.

10:34 SPEAKER_01: It's predictable, it stimulates him, he's engaged.

10:37 SPEAKER_01: And even if he wasn't, you know, that's if it's calming down his nervous system, that's what we care about.

10:43 SPEAKER_01: And that comes back to a value that we have in our family of supporting our nervous systems and keeping us well, whether that is mentally, physically, psychologically.

10:52 SPEAKER_01: So when we start to look at that whole family system, the family as a whole, your values, your rhythms, your expectations, what expectations you could let go of, your own nervous system.

11:02 SPEAKER_01: Your child doesn't have to fight so hard to exist in their own home.

11:05 SPEAKER_01: And that isn't lowering the bar, that is not being lazy, that is building an environment that they can actually thrive in, not just survive.

11:14 SPEAKER_01: And when we look at that importance again of starting from the home, they need that trust, that safety, that security in order to venture out into other areas that are less supportive a lot of the times of their neurotype.

Neuroception And Building Felt Safety

11:28 SPEAKER_01: When we look at neuroception, so in polyvagal theory, it's this explanation that our nervous systems, they're constantly scanning the environment for cues, whether something is safe, whether they feel threatened, and it can be really exhausting if you are PDA.

11:44 SPEAKER_01: So for a PDA child, ordinary demands that they are constantly scanning, they register as threat signals for them.

11:51 SPEAKER_01: But then when we look at if we've shifted the environment, so if the environment itself is consistently safe, if it is low demand, if it is supportive of their autonomy, of their control in a way that, you know, reflects your family values, then their nervous system gets to rest.

12:07 SPEAKER_01: The goal is bringing their nervous system to a safe place, to a baseline that is sustainable as much as possible, because as we know, the world doesn't understand PDA like it needs to, like it should.

12:20 SPEAKER_01: And there will be a lot of demands placed on our PDA children.

12:24 SPEAKER_01: So what we can control that we are comfortable with, depending on where we are in our parenting journey, what we can control within the home will make such an incredible difference for our PDA children.

12:35 SPEAKER_01: So when a PDA child is scanning their environment, just know that they're looking for safety.

12:41 SPEAKER_01: They're looking for ways that they can register if it is a safe environment, is it somewhere that they want to be?

12:47 SPEAKER_01: Is it somewhere that is going to be supportive?

12:50 SPEAKER_01: And depending on where they are, that neurosception, it'll shift.

12:53 SPEAKER_01: And hopefully within their home, their nervous system will get to rest.

12:57 SPEAKER_01: And it starts in the home.

12:59 SPEAKER_01: Starts with you, starts with how you show up and support your child.

13:02 SPEAKER_01: And that understanding of how to intentionally have your environment within your home supporting your child's nervous system in order to feel safe, to trust, and to rest and recover, that is what we're building towards because it all starts from there.

13:17 SPEAKER_01: So if you're listening to this and you're thinking, how do I fix my child?

Your Child Is Not Broken

13:20 SPEAKER_01: How do I build a life that works for all of us?

13:23 SPEAKER_01: The message that I want you to hear is that your child does not need fixing.

13:27 SPEAKER_01: However, the parenting in the family systems, the rhythms within the home, they might need to be altered and adjusted to support your child.

13:36 SPEAKER_01: Because your child is not broken.

13:38 SPEAKER_01: Your family is not broken.

13:39 SPEAKER_01: You just might be a little bit stuck.

Coaching Offer Homework And Closing

13:41 SPEAKER_01: And if you want help getting unstuck, I have a link below for a free connection call for my six-month transformation program.

13:49 SPEAKER_01: It is an investment.

13:50 SPEAKER_01: So please send me an email if you want some more details so you can decide if this free 30-minute call is right for you, your situation, and your family right now.

14:02 SPEAKER_01: If you want a little homework, then this week, if you'd like, you can identify one family value or expectation that just might be creating some unnecessary friction for your child and within your home.

14:12 SPEAKER_01: Just notice this.

14:13 SPEAKER_01: This is the deeper work.

14:15 SPEAKER_01: It might feel a bit slow.

14:17 SPEAKER_01: You might not see a shift immediately, but noticing and being aware, that is a part of the foundation.

14:24 SPEAKER_01: And that foundation is everything that you build from.

14:31 SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much for allowing me into your world today.

14:35 SPEAKER_00: Wherever you are around the globe, if you like what you've heard, I would be so grateful if you would click that subscribe button and comment below to tell me one thing.

14:44 SPEAKER_00: What support do you need?

14:46 SPEAKER_00: This helps me create episodes that truly impact our shared community.

14:51 SPEAKER_00: By commenting, you not only help yourself, but you help make modern neurodiversity affirming autism support accessible to those who are searching for a better parenting approach that actually feels good.

15:04 SPEAKER_00: I'm Chantel, and I'll see you next week.